...Christmas time is here...

It's been a stressful but fun week. Paul arrived on Wednesday evening to visit and we've had quite the festivities! Hurrah! And now, I'm sick with a whiny scratchy voice. Hurrah again. Here's some photos that capture the past week:

My Kindergartener Kiddos...
I got weepy watching them sing and perform the Nativity.

Paul!!! Yay!

Merry Christmas from the JVs!

Our tree Fraiser, awaiting the coming of Jesus.

cool christmas factoids...

ORIGIN OF
"THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS"

An Underground Catechism

You're all familiar with the Christmas song, "The Twelve Days of Christmas" I think. To most it's a delightful nonsense rhyme set to music. But it had a quite serious purpose when it was written.

It is a good deal more than just a repetitious melody with pretty phrases and a list of strange gifts.

Catholics in England during the period 1558 to 1829, when Parliament finally emancipated Catholics in England, were prohibited from ANY practice of their faith by law - private OR public. It was a crime to BE a Catholic.

"The Twelve Days of Christmas" was written in England as one of the "catechism songs" to help young Catholics learn the tenets of their faith - a memory aid, when to be caught with anything in *writing* indicating adherence to the Catholic faith could not only get you imprisoned, it could get you hanged, or shortened by a head - or hanged, drawn and quartered, a rather peculiar and ghastly punishment I'm not aware was ever practiced anywhere else. Hanging, drawing and quartering involved hanging a person by the neck until they had almost, but not quite, suffocated to death; then the party was taken down from the gallows, and disembowelled while still alive; and while the entrails were still lying on the street, where the executioners stomped all over them, the victim was tied to four large farm horses, and literally torn into five parts - one to each limb and the remaining torso.

The songs gifts are hidden meanings to the teachings of the faith. The "true love" mentioned in the song doesn't refer to an earthly suitor, it refers to God Himself. The "me" who receives the presents refers to every baptized person. The partridge in a pear tree is Jesus Christ, the Son of God. In the song, Christ is symbolically presented as a mother partridge which feigns injury to decoy predators from her helpless nestlings, much in memory of the expression of Christ's sadness over the fate of Jerusalem: "Jerusalem! Jerusalem! How often would I have sheltered thee under my wings, as a hen does her chicks, but thou wouldst not have it so..."

The other symbols mean the following:

2 Turtle Doves = The Old and New Testaments
3 French Hens = Faith, Hope and Charity, the Theological Virtues
4 Calling Birds = the Four Gospels and/or the Four Evangelists
5 Golden Rings = The first Five Books of the Old Testament, the "Pentateuch", which gives the history of man's fall from grace.
6 Geese A-laying = the six days of creation
7 Swans A-swimming = the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, the seven sacraments
8 Maids A-milking = the eight beatitudes
9 Ladies Dancing = the nine Fruits of the Holy Spirit
10 Lords A-leaping = the ten commandments
11 Pipers Piping = the eleven faithful apostles
12 Drummers Drumming = the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostle's Creed

--Fr. Hal Stockert 12/17/95

SOURCE: http://www.cin.org/twelvday.html

the Little Women of Billings

I feel the holiday spirit coming closer and closer as each day of December goes by. Last night, we had a no-power evening - which literally means no use of electricity (with the exception of water, plug-in radios/alarm clocks, and our heat - I guess those are a lot of exceptions) and we celebrated a Spirituality Night. Katie and Megan prepared good Advent reflections and we even made a fresh Advent wreath, complete with fresh evergreen boughs and the purple and pink candles. We even lit the first purple candle for the first week of Advent.

I think what brought me the most joy was singing Christmas carols at the top of our lungs - in opera voices, chipmunk voices - you name it. It was a scene out of Little Women and I was genuinely happy to be in the company of my roommates. I felt a warm tingly feeling just looking at everyone around the table, throwing green boughs around and creating a massive mess on our kitchen table and floor. We also got a fresh cut Christmas tree whom we named "Fraiser" since he's a Fraiser Tree. (I was totally talking to our Tree saying, "Hi Tree!" and it brought fond memories of dear Tri. Awwwwwww)

Tonight was also another joyful time. In lieu of St. Nicholas Day, Erin and I stuffed our roommates' shoes with goodies - Hershey kisses, festive sprinkles, special chocolates and coffee, and hand-written ornaments. Then, in the midst of our top secret mission, Courtney came down the stairs for her nightly trip to the lou but didn't seem to notice anything! *phew*

These two nights - this is where I felt most like myself... first night - being a complete fool and singing joyfully, even if I was off-key or didn't know the words, and getting surprises ready.

Awaiting His coming...

Onward, Christian Soldier.

Do I go on or do I turn back? Go on...

I'm well into my fourth month of being a JV and I am still lost, confused, saddened. I wake up some days feeling like this is the right path, this is where God led me and this is where I am meant to be. And then there are other days, I feel this pain in my chest like my breath has been taken from me and all I want to do is yell but all I can do is swallow that air.

It's a dichotomy of emotions. It really is. And yet I know this is where God wanted me. I'm just being challenged in a way I predicted... but I didn't realize how painful and exhausting it would be.

I miss the things that make me passionate about life --- my family, my friends, retreats, mission trips, club activities and performances... But I just have to have faith.

The way I see it, faith is more of the ability to persevere than perfect it. And that is one of the hardest things to do. God doesn't ask us to be perfect...maybe He doesn't want us to be. But He hopes that we persevere and grow in our faith. And sometimes, the perseverance is the more exhausting and challenging part of this journey called life.

Happy Thanksgiving!

JVC Billings 2006-2007

Thank you God for our food, our home, and each other.
Bless our family and friends, all the people of the world, and the earth we share.
Give us compassion for those we serve;
Make us mindful of those less fortunate;
And keep our hearts open to hear your voice.
Amen.

Look into the Mirror

Today as the students were lining up from recess duty, this one kid in the 4th grade told me,

"Hey, you shouldn't wear that make-up anymore. It isn't Halloween anymore."

ouch.

I was already having a pretty shitty day and this kid just made it worse - even though I know shouldn't take things like this personally. Well, fact of the matter is, and it stung for a bit. An hour later, I got teary-eyed at the Veteran's Day program where all the kids dressed in red, white, and blue and sang to the Veteran's of the Crow tribe. I was so moved.

I told my roommate Courtney about this kid's comment and how it brought me down. She interpreted it as this: "Maybe this kid could really see what's inside of you and is telling you that you don't need to hide things; that you just need to be genuine with your feelings and let them show. Maybe it means you don't need the "make-up" to cover up what's inside."

wow. i heart her and her positive perspective on life. when you feel somewhat isolated from what you're used to and from people you love, it can be hard to wash off the make-up or put on a mask to protect your vulnerability. But you just gotta let it go...

Thanks, Loni.

Live in Fear?

Fear. How would you define fear in your life? Fear of heights? Fear of the dark? Fear of spiders?

Well, I just discovered my fear. I've discovered my fear of raw chicken in the whole. In my attempt to be domestic and to cook "fine dining" for my roommates, I chose to make herb-roasted chicken (garnished with lemon-black pepper, basil, sage, and garlic), home-made mashed potatoes with chicken gravy, and corn.

As I was washing the chicken out, I started to fear that this creature would come back alive. I felt its bones, its breast, its insides... and I seriously freaked out. There was something odd about washing this poor thing that - if it were alive, it would be pecking around and flapping its wings about.

I was disturbed and perturbed. I'm dead serious. What's gonna happen when I grow up and have kids and a husband and am craving chicken and I get freaked out about touching it? Holding it? Washing it? YECK.

And yet, the chicken is now in the oven, baking and roasting away. And it smells pretty dang good.

wisdom from mr. george balagtas

"If someone loves a flower, of which just one single blossom grows in the

millions and millions of stars, it is enough to make him happy just to look
at the stars. He can say to himself, 'Somewhere, my flower is there...' "

~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (Le Pétit Prince) ~

Freak Out!

I felt really tense today at the end of school. I drove out alone - my roommate is visiting her special friend :) for a wedding and is gone for the weekend. But I felt really stressed - kinda outta it, and I was rushing to get out of there. And I found myself saying, "Slow down. Slow down. Breathe for Pete's sake."

When I got into the car, I immediately turned on the radio - like I always do... And then I felt even more stressed out. Overwhelmed. Stuck and trapped.

So I turned it off. And started a conversation with God. So for about 20-30 minutes I was driving in a silent car - running 70 mph rather than my usual 90 mph and started talking to God --- outloud.

And it was an incredible feeling. To talk. And to hear my voice speaking to Him. Because I knew I was being heard - even if I wasn't getting a response. I started talking about my stresses here, the stresses in my head, praying about tense issues, and praying for other people. And I felt my scrunched face slowly relaxing itself. And the tense muscles were slowly relaxing. And I began to feel at peace.

If only I took time to do that every day. Slow down, pray, and talk to God. Now, I have to take some time to listen. Be still, quiet, listen, and be at peace. Simply be.

And in today's horoscope (for you Aries peeps...):

"If something goes wrong, it may remind you of other times in your past that have caused you pain. Old hurts come back to haunt you and if you choose to sweep them back under the psychological rug, you still won't make them go away. You can resolve the past by feeling the pain of the present. It's important, however, to discern which is which."

Trauma on the Road

So, I had forgotten about this...

It was a foggy morning today and Erin and I were running a bit late to school. I was definitely speeding on the highway, running about 90 mph (I know I know I shouldn't do it!). As I was driving, I saw a car in the distance and thought, "Oh shoot I better slow down." And it was really foggy.... and since I was focusing on that car ahead, I didn't notice the insane creature that came outta nowhere, scrambling into the street. I saw it about two feet away before I approached it and I screamed, "Oh shoot! No! Omigosh!" Erin and I both screamed and within seconds, we definitely heard a THUD against our right front wheel. The following is what happened next in the car:

Rowena: "Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! I just hit an animal!!!"
Erin: "AAAAAAH!"
Rowena: (looking into the rearview mirror) "Oh my gosh! It just tumbled off to the side of the road! I killed an animal!"
SECONDS LATER
Rowena: "WAIT! It's flying out! Oh my gosh --- what the?!?!"
Erin: "What was that?"
Rowena: "I have no freakin clue!"

The dang animal ran freakishly into the road, emerging from the fog and I straight up hit it with my 90 mph running Honda Accord. Holy Buckets.

Oh and to top it off, right after, a dog was in the middle of the road and I had to halt our car and scream at it to move out of the street.

When we got to school, I told Fanny, the kindergarten teacher and she said, "Sometimes, you have to hit it. Because it can cause other accidents on the road. So if you have to hit a deer, hit it."

OMG - I hope I never have to cross a deer while I'm driving.

And with the help of Fanny, we determined the psycho bird-animal-thing that I hit which will probably bring me tons of karma for doing so:

a PHEASANT.


These things are PSYCHO. For more information, visit: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pheasant

Sick for Home

It's the feast day of St. Francis and we had a beautiful Mass at school today. Father Randolph, our priest at St. Charles, is a Franciscan. It was nice to see him in his brown robe. The last time i had seen that was back in Assisi during our pilgrimmage.

And that got me thinking, "Man, I really miss Assisi and Europe."

I miss being in holy places and experiencing God. I miss the foreign lanugages and new sights and absorbing new things. When Fr. Randolph started describing Assisi and the mountains and St. Mary Major where St. Francis died, I couldn't help but get emotional inside, remembering that "Wow, we saw those places with our own eyes...we walked on holy ground." And that was an overwhelming thought.

Speaking of being homesick for Europe, I'm also really homesick for home. For Seattle and California. For my family. For my friends.

For gifts of generosity and sincerity, authenticity and selflessness, openness and welcomeness... gifts that showed me God... gifts that were manifested through my family and friends...

Prayer is Incredible.

"Be glad about...[the] trials you suffer. Their purpose is to prove that your faith is genuine. Even gold...is tested by fire; and so your faith...must also be tested, so that it may endure." - 1 Peter 1:6-7

This appears to be the story of my life - tracing me back to my roots and to my present day life.

"It ain't possible to explain some things. It's interesting to wonder on them and do some speculation, but the main thing is you have to accept it --- take it for what it is and get on with your growing." - Jim Dodge

Get on with your growing, Wing.

Thanks to the Ate for gifting me with the book, Challenge, A Daily Meditation Program Based on The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius (Oh those Jesuits!).

Buddhist Enlightenment

"LIFE is a good teacher and a good friend. Things are always in transition, if we could only realize it. Nothing ever sums itself in the way that we like to dream about. The off-center, in-between state is an ideal situation, a situation in which we don't get caught and we can open our hearts and minds beyond limit. It's a very tender, non-aggressive, open-ended state of affairs." - Pema Chodron

Experiencing the First Conflict....

23 September 2006 12:15 a.m.

We just had a community meeting this evening. It started around 8:30 p.m. and we just kinda parted ways now. I’m happy with the way it went. I think I was honest enough about things that have been upsetting me (condescending feelings, exclusion).

At the same time, I received criticism and concern. People knew I was homesick but didn’t understand where I was coming from. I wasn’t allowing them too. Katie said I wasn’t exactly “approachable” which was hurtful to hear but truth being spoken. I haven’t allowed them to come and chat with me. My barricades have been up. I’ve been insisting that they’re all different from what I’m used to and different from my friends back home.

I even had a break down in front of them for the first time.

Erin told me that I was different a month ago at Orientation. That she had hoped to get to know me better. And now I’m a different person. She said she was even somewhat hurt and jealous that I had so many friends back home and I wasn’t allowing such relationships to form here in Billings.

I didn’t realize they cared so much.

I think I have been so wrapped up with keeping up my life in Seattle and maintaining those relationships that I lost sight of my life here in Billings. I was just settling. Seattle wasn’t the same. I was being forgotten. In the meantime, in Montana, I wasn’t opening myself up. I wasn’t being myself. And I wasn’t allowing people to know who I was.

And they’ve wanted to know who I was – I just haven’t allowed them to or given them such an opportunity. For that, I am so sorry. And for that, I am humbled.

I feel so much better having communicated some heartache. I am very naïve and still growing in this notion of being in community. I’m having to understand the different perspectives of individuals.

It’s just challenging because I didn’t realize how lost I felt and how much I was holding on to my past. I wasn’t – I am not living out my life here. And I think that’s probably the saddest thing that could be happening. I don’t know if I’m necessarily ready to let go of my friends yet. But I know that I want to finally live my life here in Montana – with my community, my family, for the new year.

I’m glad I finally cried out this feeling that has been stifling me. I’m glad that my roommates have finally seen me in a vulnerable state. I’m glad I cried in front of them and showed them what I have been going through and that they cared to listen and reach out.

I am so humbled, Lord. I am so blessed. Thank you.

Now, I’m going to fall asleep thanking God to the sound of raindrops pattering outside my basement window. Amen.

23 September 2006 9:09 a.m.

I’m still thinking about last night and the discussion we had. I didn’t realize how much I was doing wrong.

Being defensive. Having so much fear. Closing myself up. Building the barricades. Not being approachable. Not showing the love and compassion that exists within.

I am so hurt that I haven’t offered myself in such a way to my roommates. I’m glad they told me, but I am so saddened by it. Not to the point that I’ll begin pitying myself, but just sad that I haven’t been authentic. I haven’t been honest. And I’ve been living in fear rather than in love.

This isn’t who I am. My friends know that I want to be present to them. I want to be a place of comfort and encouragement and love. I want to be able to share in my faith and grow in our insecurities together.

It’s ironic to go from that conversation to then receive a text message from George that reads, “Hello friend! I hope I’m not waking u up. I just wanted to say we have a bunch of friends here watching wedding video footage. We r drinking to the lovely gift of fragolino u so thoughtfully given us! We wish we could drink it with u, but champagne will go flat soon. We really wish u could be with us, but pls know we r fondly thinking of u. our thoughts, our prayers, our love go with u always. When we see u in footage. We will all toast to amazingly beautiful person that is rowena catalla! We love u dearly and always. – george, kat, matt, josh, jon, carla, tiff, & andy

This is what I want them to see. I haven’t offered this to my roommates and for that I am so sorry. I’ve wasted a month in fear. I haven’t been creating a love story. I have been perceiving myself as an outcast and looking at my roommates as another entity – a “them.”

Forgive me, Father. Forgive me, Erin, Katie, Heather, Megan, Courtney.

Taking Up My Cross...and finding God in the process.

Jesus suffered so we could live. And so must we - suffer a few trials and tribulations.

My cross for this year is carrying on relationships of the past. Or rather, letting go. And letting in.

I have always struggled with a constant dependence on parents, siblings, family, friends... and now that they aren't physically present before me, I am so fearful of losing such ties and connections. I don't have enough trust in the continuation of relationships, and I find that disappointing that I just can't have faith or trust in that growth process.

I think my flaw as a human being is establishing such high expectations that I naturally set myself up for disappointment. In relationships - in work - in many different things that come my way.

And as I evaluate these things, I realize that this is how God must feel in my relationship with him. He wants us to be dependent on him, to foster this deep sense of love from him and of him, and yet, I do not take the time to communicate with him or listen to him. I am so caught up in the earthly matters of this world that I forget the divine existence of God before me. And for that, I take him for granted.

I am so sorry, Lord.

The feeling of being taken for granted is terrible. And I'm sorry that I have taken God for granted. I see my JVC journey as an opportunity to develop that relationship so that in turn, I can be in relationship with others and share a Christ-centered connection.

This is a cross I am overwhelmed by but am willing to bear - with all the tears and laughter, sadness and joy that will come out of it.

When you spend 3 hours on the phone with a friend miles away...

...you begin to take random pictures and send them to one another.

I'm really excited to be on the phone.

emO.

and all because she wanted to see my glasses! Oh Franco.

Random Notions...

I'm not fully energized to create a massive post but I felt the calling - the desire to write.

Homesickness.

I've experienced quite frequently. I surpress it or prolong it by escaping into my laptop and logging online. Checking emails...Facebook...other blogs...my blog...Posting pictures for family and friends to see.

I also have the same distraction I had in college - DVDs. Romantic comedies that make me cry and seek out love and desire to be in love. *sigh* I've also written many many many letters. I write letters rather than journal. Chris, an area director for JVC, even suggested photocopying letters that we write as a means to document them. I definitely have been doing that.

Sadly, I don't pray as much as I'd like to. And I don't think I've silenced myself enough to hear God enough times.

...and I thought the whole point of this was to find God, listen, and fall in love with God. Bah.

Even now I'm escaping - onto my blog. I can't win! Maybe I should try it out now....

Labor Day Fun

Here's a taste of how I spent Labor Day Weekend in Montana...

- CHIEF PLENTY COUPS' MEMORIAL CELEBRATION -
-- Pyror, Montana --

[ Rowena, Katie, Heather, Erin, Megan ]

[ Traditional Costumes and Tribal Dancing ]

[ Looking Out from a Tepee ]


- HIKING ON RIM ROCKS -
-- Billings, Montana --
[ Rowena, Erin, Heather ]


[ Overlooking Billings ]


[ Journaling on Top of the World ]



- MUSTANGS BASEBALL GAME -
--Billings, Montana --


[ At the Old Ball Game ]


[ Enjoying the Game with former JVs, Brian & Erica ]

[ Chillin' with Erica's Brother, Kevin ]

Plus, FREE FOOD!!! Hurrah for long weekends and good fun!

Emotional Sentiments

the only thing consistent and constant in my life (other than my beloved family) - the one thing i can be certain of - is that everything changes - on a daily basis. and as liberating as that is, change scares me to death.

Two Weeks in Montana...

This is a LONG entry so the subtitles can help you navigate!

Well, it’s been two weeks since my arrival and it’s been an interesting journey thus far.

[Leaving on a Jet Plane]

My arrival was met with much fear but more excitement. I was happy after leaving orientation – I got along with my roommates; we were going together to a new place; we had different experiences, but we were all ready to experience a new journey – a new phase of our lives, a new year. So when I flew out of SeaTac, I didn’t have tears. I had cried most of it out. I was scared but prepared to start anew. Saying goodbye to my friends for a second time wasn’t so bad – I knew I had to work hard at keeping in touch, and I think I’ve done a good job so far. Arriving in Montana, I was physically exhausted. After the beautifully emotional wedding of Kat and George and dancing the night away at Ashley’s birthday celebration (and also limping the night away from 16 hours of high heels on my feet! aaaah), I was ready to settle down – to be in my own space and be in my own home for the first time in 2 months. Living out of a suitcase for 8 weeks isn’t exactly great but seeing all the places and meeting new people was definitely well worth it.

[Settling and Racial Discrimination at Work]

Week One consisted of setting up my bedroom, unpacking my bags and receiving packages from home with more stuff (thanks mommy daddy and ate!). It also consisted of learning proper house etiquette and learning the rules that had already been determined during my week in Seattle (i.e., dinner assignments, chores, where things belonged, etc.) After two days of rest, relaxation, setting up and settling in, I also started work at St. Charles. Wednesday, August 22^nd was Orientation for New Staff followed by All-Staff Training on Thursday and Friday. It was good to meet the people we were going to be working with, getting free breakfasts and lunches (I’m just like a college student – seeking out FREE FOOD anywhere I can!). But this was also my first encounter with racial differences in a working environment. With certain individuals on staff, there is great tension between the American Indians and non-Natives. On our first day of training, I was so disheartened by the tension and tones I heard in the voices of my co-workers. One individual would say something and another who respond in a smart tone. It went both ways – from the Crow people and the non-Crow people. Erin and I left school feeling a bit uneasy. The following day, Nikki, our principal, addressed this tension and said that we must work through these differences and reminded the staff that we are here for the kids. We also experienced the racial ignorance of people from small places – small towns. One woman, the fifth grade teacher, referred to Asians as “Orientals” and even whipped out the term “Chink” when she was telling Erin and I about a story she had had. I was so astounded, I couldn’t say anything. The following week, I experienced blatant discrimination when she couldn't read/pronounce a word (which I think was written in the Crow language) she looked at me and said, "Oh I can't pronounce that. It's probably a word from one of your people." I was so overwhelmed I just smiled at her and said, "Oh well I don't know that word I can't pronounce it either." I'm so mad at myself for not saying anything... I’m disappointed and I know I’ve disappointed many others for not stepping up and saying something for her ignorance. My roommate attempted to justify or understand what just happened and said, "Did she mean people from California or something?!" And I said, "Nope. Nope. I'm pretty sure she meant Asians/Filipinos... or maybe I should say ORIENTALS." Maybe that way she'd understand it. I know I can’t hold a grudge because it'll just consume me and get the best of me. But at the same time, I was wrong in not saying anything at all and calling her out on her ignorance – and I mean that in the nicest possible way. I pray that doesn’t come up again but if it does, I will say something. It's a surreal experience because I've never experienced blatant discrimination like that - especially coming from California and Washington. I am surrounded by diversity coming from these places, but at work and in my own home, I am the only Asian in the population. That in itself is a culture shock – considering I grew up with Asians around me. It isn’t a bad experience but it is definitely a different experience. I am just fortunate I have a very open and understanding household when it comes to issues of diversity and justice.

[Homesick what?!]

By the time the second week started, my honeymoon stage of living here ended. Reality started to hit that I wouldn’t be seeing my family and friends for a year. I received a letter in the mail from a dear friend (*ahem*Paul*ahem*) and tears started to stream down my face. I realized that I wouldn’t be home with Mom, Dad, and Ate (again after 4 years of being away) and that I would be away from my other family – my Seattle family. I wouldn’t be starting school again this September or welcoming new students at Orientation. I wouldn’t be spending every waking hour in Campus Ministry or working it up in ASSU (haha “working it up” right?). I wouldn’t see Search roll around or catch happy hour with friends @ Cayenne or DragonFish or Satellite or Barca or Appleby’s (wow, I sound like an alcoholic). I wouldn’t have Monday Night Football on Logan Field or Intramurals or soccer games or basketball games to attend. I wouldn’t be studying for Theology or English – pulling all-nighters with papers or assignments. And that was a tough reality for me to face – one that I had desperately been pushing away. So most of last weekend was spent in my room - decorating, looking at pictures from Seattle and California – from my summer experiences, and trying to create a space that I would call home for the next year. I think I did a pretty good job. I have yet to take a picture of it. I haven’t fully completed it since pictures of family and friends hasn’t been posted up yet. Ooops.

[I Vent...for the next three or four paragraphs]

As far as living in our white house with blue trimmings, it hasn’t been peachy keen. I’m learning more about our different personalities and finding that I’m clashing more than I am getting along with the girls. As I told dear Amelia in an email, I’m living with five girls who are all very nice but the honeymoon stage is definitely over. I've gotten a little annoyed. I've gotten a little impatient. I've definitely cried because of my insecurities and differences with some of the girls in the house. They aren't mean - they just aren't as nice as I'm used to being surrounded. Maybe I'm too sensitive or maybe just maybe even too nice. Three of the six girls have been working for the past several years while the other three of us have just graduated. Understandably, we are all at very different places in our lives. Haha to be honest, I don’t know how to write about this situation without being too mean or petty. Maybe a lot of it is me being petty but at the same time, a lot of it is differences in our personalities.

...

I think the problem is that there are many personalities and we all have a tendency to be strong-minded about things and it’s about finding the balance between it all. I hope I didn’t sound too condescending or arrogant in my criticism…because God knows I have many many many flaws that need some adjusting and work and that contribute to the madness I have experienced in this house.

At times, I still feel like I haven’t found my voice. There have been a few passive-aggressive quirks here and there and comments stated under my breath. But yea, I know that that isn't a healthy way to deal with things but I still haven't found my niche just yet. And I miss Seattle. I miss friends who understand me even before I open my mouth or who walk up to me and automatically give me hugs. Obviously I miss family who embrace me for my quirkiness and randonmess and bratty-ness all rolled in one. It almost feels like the beginning of college all over again but so much harder...

[i HEART kids]

And so, it is the children at St. Charles that sustain me. They bring joy to my heart when I see accomplishment and they drive me when I see that they are struggling. I want so much to develop rich connections with these students, but it is certainly challenging learning the balance between being an authority figure and then being a friendly person they can approach. At school, I have my own cubicle place and it’s exciting – decorated with pictures from home and the school schedule and whatnot. On Tuesday, I begin working with the Kindergarten class. I will be coming in for 2 hour sessions daily, helping with their reading development. Their faces are a sight.

With that said, a break… More to come about experiencing the culture and school days…

You know you're in Montana when...

In the course of 40 miles, Erin and I have encountered the following creatures on the road:

* raccoon
* skunk
* dog
* porcupine
* squirrel
* bird (which I may have killed :/ I'M SORRY IT FLEW INTO MY WINDSHIELD!)

It's tramautizing really - to drive over dead flesh. It sounds morbid and I probably sound completely ridiculous, but I am terrified each time I accidentally drive over it. It's comparable to riding over a speed-bump but it is not entertaining at all.

Rest in peace, dear animals.



I've also had an interesting first few days at work. We started officially on Wednesday, heading to Pryor for Staff Training. Over the course of three days, we have sat in plastic seats, waiting for direction.... and apparently I had a brain fart because I never finished the entry.

And now for photos!

Meet the JVC Billings Community and our Area Director, Bruce
Clockwise: Bruce, Rowena, Erin, Katie, Courtney, Heather, Megan


Home Sweet Home for the next year


Enjoying Montana in the middle of nowhere!

Flashback Thoughts

8 August 2006

I did it. I'm here at JVC Orientation. My path led me here. God brought me to this day. I'm just disappointed I didn't journal more about it. Anyway, I arrived in Portland today at 9 a.m. and arrived in camp. Met my housemates. Five girls. Welcoming ritual included a smudging ritual of a Native American tribe. We were called to purify ourselves. Purify. I said yes. Yes to challenge. Yes to joy. Yes to be ruined...for life. For now, sleep.


9 August 2006 3:45 p.m.

We're working on / praying with an exercise that calls us to grieve our 'losses' - to the people and things we have said goodbye to for a year, to have closure. But to be honest, I don't think I'm quite ready for that. I don't think I've come to terms with the fact that I have to say goodbye. With FAMILY, I know I'll never have to. But it was really hard for me to leave California. ... But I rest in the comfort in knowning that they are my solid foundation of love.

Ate told me this was my year of sacrifice. Indeed, it is. It is the sacrifice of my community of FRIENDS in Seattle. Over the past year, I have been in constant denial about leaving them, about being apart, about letting go, and losing relationships, about never having the same friendships again. There's something liberating and terrifying in that. ... Circumstances will change - have changed. And yet again, as I am writing this, I am numbed. ... I just have to have more faith and trust. ... I am also afraid of letting go of my recent exepreinces - of graduation, Ecuador, Europe. I want to savor them, embrace them, keep them close forever, but I know that any gift given must be released in order for it to be fully realized. <--- philosophy for Fredo

But as I let go, the process of letting in is slowly unfolding. I always felt like the character in the Bible who comes to Jesus and says, "Master, I am here. I have followed all the commandments. I am a good Christian. What more do I need to do to know you?" And Jesus tells him, "Come and follow me, leaving everyone and everything behind, selling your possessions." And he can't follow. Because he is attached to these people and things, because he simply can't let go. In a sense, I feel like I have taken one step ahead and that I have let go, I am beginning because I said yes to God.

I said yes to God.



22 August 2006 1 a.m.

During our JVC Orientation, we were called to make this year our Love Story. To echo the words of Pedro Arrupe, SJ, "Fall in love. Stay in love. And it will decide everything."

Tonight, it made me thing, "I don't think I have a love story." I don't think I've ever fallen in love with someone - something. In some cases I thought I had, but I didn't.

But then, it makes me think of Search. I fell in love with the retreat - with people - with dancing - with singing - with crying and laughing in the same breath - with affirmations and letters - with God - with love. I fell in love with love.

And then I think about Mexico. And I fell in love with the food, the culture, the people.

But I think the most recent encounter with falling in love occurred this summer when I met people in Ecuador. They genuinely loved. I had never felt so loved. And they taught me how to love. Unconditionally. With no fear. With no expectations. (Not to say that I don't already experience this with my own family.)

I wish to have that experience yet again in Billings. But I am afraid to love. I am afraid that if I give of my heart, it can be shattered to pieces. I'm afraid I'll start to expect. I'm afraid I'll be disappointed. I'm afraid I'll disappoint.

But that's the only thing I can do - love. I want to fall in love this year... with God. And with love.

"Fall in love. Stay in love. And it will decide everything."

It begins...

With the wisdom of several individuals, I have decided to begin a blog about my JVC journey to keep people regularly updated about life in Billings, MT. So begins my tale...


JOINING JVC:

On Tuesday, July 25 at 10 a.m. I received a phone call from Stephanie Barr, a JVC rep. She introduced herself and asked me if I was interested in pursuing my application since I had not fully completed the process. With three references pending, she suggested an interview for Thursday morning at 10 a.m. I willingly agreed and found out there were only two placements left - one in Portland, OR and one in Billings, MT. She described both - one as a position working with women who have graduated from a substance abuse progam and the other position as a reading tutor. I immediately told her my passion was teaching and preferred to be considered for the Billings placement. We ended our conversation with a pending phone interview for Thursday morning. However, due to unforeseen circumstances, we had to reschedule the interview. This gave me more time to discern.

My discernment process started in November 2005 after Dan suggested JVC. I had three days before the following year would potentially be decided for me. I prayed. I cried. I prayed some more. I asked God, "What do you want me to do?!?" "Are you saying yes? Are you saying no?" I didn't get my yes/no response. That is - until I had my interview.

The morning of Friday, July 28, I headed to morning Mass with Mom and Daddy. I prayed and prayed that the Holy Spirit would lead me the right way. Returnign home, I prepared and promptly at 11 a.m. I called the JVC office in Portland. The phone interview that was supposed to last one hour ended up being two. The more I spoke, the more I knew that that was where I wanted and need to be. Stephanie comforted me with my apprehensions and encouraged me to continue praying about it. But in the middle of the interview, I knew I was supposed to be in JVC. With such a late application coming in, the office still considered me as a candidate and conveniently, there was an open position just as my application arrived. It was fate. One hour later, I received a call from Stephanie and I was offered the position in JVC. Monday, July 31 at 1:30 p.m. I was officially welcomed after my interview with the principal at St. Charles Mission School.

Four weeks later, I'm sitting in the living room of the JVC house in Billings as an official Jesuit Volunteer. And I'm ready to embark on a new journey. Here's to being ruined for life!