Two Weeks in Montana...

This is a LONG entry so the subtitles can help you navigate!

Well, it’s been two weeks since my arrival and it’s been an interesting journey thus far.

[Leaving on a Jet Plane]

My arrival was met with much fear but more excitement. I was happy after leaving orientation – I got along with my roommates; we were going together to a new place; we had different experiences, but we were all ready to experience a new journey – a new phase of our lives, a new year. So when I flew out of SeaTac, I didn’t have tears. I had cried most of it out. I was scared but prepared to start anew. Saying goodbye to my friends for a second time wasn’t so bad – I knew I had to work hard at keeping in touch, and I think I’ve done a good job so far. Arriving in Montana, I was physically exhausted. After the beautifully emotional wedding of Kat and George and dancing the night away at Ashley’s birthday celebration (and also limping the night away from 16 hours of high heels on my feet! aaaah), I was ready to settle down – to be in my own space and be in my own home for the first time in 2 months. Living out of a suitcase for 8 weeks isn’t exactly great but seeing all the places and meeting new people was definitely well worth it.

[Settling and Racial Discrimination at Work]

Week One consisted of setting up my bedroom, unpacking my bags and receiving packages from home with more stuff (thanks mommy daddy and ate!). It also consisted of learning proper house etiquette and learning the rules that had already been determined during my week in Seattle (i.e., dinner assignments, chores, where things belonged, etc.) After two days of rest, relaxation, setting up and settling in, I also started work at St. Charles. Wednesday, August 22^nd was Orientation for New Staff followed by All-Staff Training on Thursday and Friday. It was good to meet the people we were going to be working with, getting free breakfasts and lunches (I’m just like a college student – seeking out FREE FOOD anywhere I can!). But this was also my first encounter with racial differences in a working environment. With certain individuals on staff, there is great tension between the American Indians and non-Natives. On our first day of training, I was so disheartened by the tension and tones I heard in the voices of my co-workers. One individual would say something and another who respond in a smart tone. It went both ways – from the Crow people and the non-Crow people. Erin and I left school feeling a bit uneasy. The following day, Nikki, our principal, addressed this tension and said that we must work through these differences and reminded the staff that we are here for the kids. We also experienced the racial ignorance of people from small places – small towns. One woman, the fifth grade teacher, referred to Asians as “Orientals” and even whipped out the term “Chink” when she was telling Erin and I about a story she had had. I was so astounded, I couldn’t say anything. The following week, I experienced blatant discrimination when she couldn't read/pronounce a word (which I think was written in the Crow language) she looked at me and said, "Oh I can't pronounce that. It's probably a word from one of your people." I was so overwhelmed I just smiled at her and said, "Oh well I don't know that word I can't pronounce it either." I'm so mad at myself for not saying anything... I’m disappointed and I know I’ve disappointed many others for not stepping up and saying something for her ignorance. My roommate attempted to justify or understand what just happened and said, "Did she mean people from California or something?!" And I said, "Nope. Nope. I'm pretty sure she meant Asians/Filipinos... or maybe I should say ORIENTALS." Maybe that way she'd understand it. I know I can’t hold a grudge because it'll just consume me and get the best of me. But at the same time, I was wrong in not saying anything at all and calling her out on her ignorance – and I mean that in the nicest possible way. I pray that doesn’t come up again but if it does, I will say something. It's a surreal experience because I've never experienced blatant discrimination like that - especially coming from California and Washington. I am surrounded by diversity coming from these places, but at work and in my own home, I am the only Asian in the population. That in itself is a culture shock – considering I grew up with Asians around me. It isn’t a bad experience but it is definitely a different experience. I am just fortunate I have a very open and understanding household when it comes to issues of diversity and justice.

[Homesick what?!]

By the time the second week started, my honeymoon stage of living here ended. Reality started to hit that I wouldn’t be seeing my family and friends for a year. I received a letter in the mail from a dear friend (*ahem*Paul*ahem*) and tears started to stream down my face. I realized that I wouldn’t be home with Mom, Dad, and Ate (again after 4 years of being away) and that I would be away from my other family – my Seattle family. I wouldn’t be starting school again this September or welcoming new students at Orientation. I wouldn’t be spending every waking hour in Campus Ministry or working it up in ASSU (haha “working it up” right?). I wouldn’t see Search roll around or catch happy hour with friends @ Cayenne or DragonFish or Satellite or Barca or Appleby’s (wow, I sound like an alcoholic). I wouldn’t have Monday Night Football on Logan Field or Intramurals or soccer games or basketball games to attend. I wouldn’t be studying for Theology or English – pulling all-nighters with papers or assignments. And that was a tough reality for me to face – one that I had desperately been pushing away. So most of last weekend was spent in my room - decorating, looking at pictures from Seattle and California – from my summer experiences, and trying to create a space that I would call home for the next year. I think I did a pretty good job. I have yet to take a picture of it. I haven’t fully completed it since pictures of family and friends hasn’t been posted up yet. Ooops.

[I Vent...for the next three or four paragraphs]

As far as living in our white house with blue trimmings, it hasn’t been peachy keen. I’m learning more about our different personalities and finding that I’m clashing more than I am getting along with the girls. As I told dear Amelia in an email, I’m living with five girls who are all very nice but the honeymoon stage is definitely over. I've gotten a little annoyed. I've gotten a little impatient. I've definitely cried because of my insecurities and differences with some of the girls in the house. They aren't mean - they just aren't as nice as I'm used to being surrounded. Maybe I'm too sensitive or maybe just maybe even too nice. Three of the six girls have been working for the past several years while the other three of us have just graduated. Understandably, we are all at very different places in our lives. Haha to be honest, I don’t know how to write about this situation without being too mean or petty. Maybe a lot of it is me being petty but at the same time, a lot of it is differences in our personalities.

...

I think the problem is that there are many personalities and we all have a tendency to be strong-minded about things and it’s about finding the balance between it all. I hope I didn’t sound too condescending or arrogant in my criticism…because God knows I have many many many flaws that need some adjusting and work and that contribute to the madness I have experienced in this house.

At times, I still feel like I haven’t found my voice. There have been a few passive-aggressive quirks here and there and comments stated under my breath. But yea, I know that that isn't a healthy way to deal with things but I still haven't found my niche just yet. And I miss Seattle. I miss friends who understand me even before I open my mouth or who walk up to me and automatically give me hugs. Obviously I miss family who embrace me for my quirkiness and randonmess and bratty-ness all rolled in one. It almost feels like the beginning of college all over again but so much harder...

[i HEART kids]

And so, it is the children at St. Charles that sustain me. They bring joy to my heart when I see accomplishment and they drive me when I see that they are struggling. I want so much to develop rich connections with these students, but it is certainly challenging learning the balance between being an authority figure and then being a friendly person they can approach. At school, I have my own cubicle place and it’s exciting – decorated with pictures from home and the school schedule and whatnot. On Tuesday, I begin working with the Kindergarten class. I will be coming in for 2 hour sessions daily, helping with their reading development. Their faces are a sight.

With that said, a break… More to come about experiencing the culture and school days…