Experiencing the First Conflict....

23 September 2006 12:15 a.m.

We just had a community meeting this evening. It started around 8:30 p.m. and we just kinda parted ways now. I’m happy with the way it went. I think I was honest enough about things that have been upsetting me (condescending feelings, exclusion).

At the same time, I received criticism and concern. People knew I was homesick but didn’t understand where I was coming from. I wasn’t allowing them too. Katie said I wasn’t exactly “approachable” which was hurtful to hear but truth being spoken. I haven’t allowed them to come and chat with me. My barricades have been up. I’ve been insisting that they’re all different from what I’m used to and different from my friends back home.

I even had a break down in front of them for the first time.

Erin told me that I was different a month ago at Orientation. That she had hoped to get to know me better. And now I’m a different person. She said she was even somewhat hurt and jealous that I had so many friends back home and I wasn’t allowing such relationships to form here in Billings.

I didn’t realize they cared so much.

I think I have been so wrapped up with keeping up my life in Seattle and maintaining those relationships that I lost sight of my life here in Billings. I was just settling. Seattle wasn’t the same. I was being forgotten. In the meantime, in Montana, I wasn’t opening myself up. I wasn’t being myself. And I wasn’t allowing people to know who I was.

And they’ve wanted to know who I was – I just haven’t allowed them to or given them such an opportunity. For that, I am so sorry. And for that, I am humbled.

I feel so much better having communicated some heartache. I am very naïve and still growing in this notion of being in community. I’m having to understand the different perspectives of individuals.

It’s just challenging because I didn’t realize how lost I felt and how much I was holding on to my past. I wasn’t – I am not living out my life here. And I think that’s probably the saddest thing that could be happening. I don’t know if I’m necessarily ready to let go of my friends yet. But I know that I want to finally live my life here in Montana – with my community, my family, for the new year.

I’m glad I finally cried out this feeling that has been stifling me. I’m glad that my roommates have finally seen me in a vulnerable state. I’m glad I cried in front of them and showed them what I have been going through and that they cared to listen and reach out.

I am so humbled, Lord. I am so blessed. Thank you.

Now, I’m going to fall asleep thanking God to the sound of raindrops pattering outside my basement window. Amen.

23 September 2006 9:09 a.m.

I’m still thinking about last night and the discussion we had. I didn’t realize how much I was doing wrong.

Being defensive. Having so much fear. Closing myself up. Building the barricades. Not being approachable. Not showing the love and compassion that exists within.

I am so hurt that I haven’t offered myself in such a way to my roommates. I’m glad they told me, but I am so saddened by it. Not to the point that I’ll begin pitying myself, but just sad that I haven’t been authentic. I haven’t been honest. And I’ve been living in fear rather than in love.

This isn’t who I am. My friends know that I want to be present to them. I want to be a place of comfort and encouragement and love. I want to be able to share in my faith and grow in our insecurities together.

It’s ironic to go from that conversation to then receive a text message from George that reads, “Hello friend! I hope I’m not waking u up. I just wanted to say we have a bunch of friends here watching wedding video footage. We r drinking to the lovely gift of fragolino u so thoughtfully given us! We wish we could drink it with u, but champagne will go flat soon. We really wish u could be with us, but pls know we r fondly thinking of u. our thoughts, our prayers, our love go with u always. When we see u in footage. We will all toast to amazingly beautiful person that is rowena catalla! We love u dearly and always. – george, kat, matt, josh, jon, carla, tiff, & andy

This is what I want them to see. I haven’t offered this to my roommates and for that I am so sorry. I’ve wasted a month in fear. I haven’t been creating a love story. I have been perceiving myself as an outcast and looking at my roommates as another entity – a “them.”

Forgive me, Father. Forgive me, Erin, Katie, Heather, Megan, Courtney.