I was just thinking...

...did you ever notice how many "F" words there are that describe something insincere?

Fake
Front
Facade
False
Fraud
Fabricated
Forgery

Some food for thought. Add your own. That's all.

they say patience is a virtue.

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are, quite naturally, impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way
to something unknown,
something new.
And yet it is the law of all progress that it is made
by passing through some stages of instability,
and that it may take a very long time.

And so, I think, it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually. Let them grow.
Let them shape themselves without undue haste.
Don't try to force them on as though you could be today what time
- that is to say - grace
and circumstances
acting on your own good will
will make you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.

Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.
Above all, trust in the slow work of God,
our loving vine-dresser.

-Pierre Teilhard de Chardin -

wisdom.

"you're not screwed. you're blessed."

"We ride the same emotional wavelength. When we feel we feel every emotion to the fullest."

"keep the faith."

words words words

i keep wishing i'll have more eloquent thoughts to post. but i'm at a loss. or maybe it's just that i've lost my fuel for writing. for articulating myself. for conveying my thoughts.

i looked back on my lj that i started way back in the day. i never write in it. and i used to write some meaningful stuff in it. i look here and i see that i've barely written. spoken any words.

where did my words go?

and it's not that there's nothing to write about or share. plenty has happened in the past year...

i lived in the middle of nowhere... i worked on an indian reservation... i was close to poverty... i had to say goodbye to long friendships... and said hello to new ones... i faced blatant racism for the first time in my life... i experienced the bluntness of my students... i learned that teaching is a hard profession... i fell for someone, someone amazing... i was terribly, terribly homesick... i visited my life-long friends in seattle... and watched like a proud parent as half of them walked across qwest field and graduated... i spent quality time with my babies - jeric and janet... i found a new-life long friend in an old soul who wears a pink bandana... i was challenged by old ghosts... i was forced to look into the mirror and confront the reality of it... i've been falling off my spiritual path and desperately trying to seek my faith... by some miracle, someone actually fell for me... i was challenged to seek justice in my daily life... i led the life of a country bumpkin... i'm debating my future - where my passion lies... i spent six months away from my parents - the longest time i've ever spent away from them... i failed, in one way or another... or another... i was confronted with humilty and my eyes were opened to different parts of life... i met the parentals... i didn't get to say goodbye to some life-long friends... i saw RENT... and fell in love with it all over again... i've been distant from many of my life-long friends... i didn't feel like i was at home for a year... i hurt people and couldn't bring myself to apologize sincerely... i tried to "give myself to love..." i think my eyes were more dehydrated this year than ever - i didn't cry nearly as much as i did when i was in seattle... i've experienced "that thing - that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time...." i became addicted to movies and coffee... i was and always will be u.g.l.y... i danced at a bar where hip hop music and country two-step were interchangable... i wrestled a calf... i received bouquets of roses for my birthday and oversized sweatshirts to keep me warm in the winter... i sat naked in a crow indian sweat lodge.... i stood on top of the deep abyss and screamed at the top of my lungs... i ate breakfast to blue-grass music... i drove to butte for the biggest st. patrick's day party... i learned to be more honest with others and myself... i sought my jvc love story... and i was ruined for life....


and with all of that, i can't manage to produce a meaningful post. or at least one that i think is thoughtful or thought-provoking. i'm lost. i'm lost with my words. that's a damn shame. in the words of aunt voula from my big fat greek wedding, "o woe to me." haha

well with the words i do have...

i'm back home... i'm actually missing big sky country... i'm missing my coffee dates with the pink bandana... i'm missing the sights and sounds of pike place market, b&o, cupcake royale, and the space needle... i need to see my nda girls... i can actually go on real dates now with my babe... without being separated by 1241 miles or 18 hours of driving or 5 hours of flying... i can eat good food filled with carbs made by mommy dearest... i can be lovingly tortured by the sister-friend... i can pray with daddy and mama mary and the santo nino... i can have a bigger room that isn't infested with spiders... only ants - sometimes... i can count of family reunions to come along... i'm still missing some life-long friends... i miss my purple car from the rez... i miss my kiddos... i miss the big sky... i'm jobless... and i don't know what i want to do... yet... i'm awkward... i'm still tired... i'm in a different kind of provincial country - p-dale country... i'm still not done with harry potter and the deathly hallows... i'm trying to clean out my disastrous room filled with letters dating as far back as 1992 and hanson posters galore... i'm glad to be home...

so that's all i got for my words.

upside down

this week has been up up up and down down down down down... i didn't think leaving would have this much of an impact on me, and yet i'm going through all of this.

i'm happy one minute.
i'm sad the next.
then i'm thankful.
most times, i'm frustrated.
i get easily irritated.
i have no patience.

but underneath all that irritation and frustration - anger - whatever you wanna call it, i think is fear.

fear of leaving.
fear of going home.
fear of going back to a place that hasn't really been my home in five years.
fear of knowing i won't be going back to seattle.
fear of changing relationships.
fear of even losing relationships.
fear of becoming someone i don't wanna become.
fear of the unknown.
fear of grad school and my future career.
fear of popping my protective bubble... and jumping into another one.
fear of growing up.
fear of losing my spiritual life.
fear of love.
fear of losing passion for life.
fear of failing.
fear of hurting people i love.
fear of not taking chances.
fear of forgetting any knowledge i've gained.
fear of change.
fear of losing myself.

trust.faith.hope.love.

Godspeed.

none.

i'm...

so...

lost...

one week of big sky country.

le sigh.