the stars say...

Although the pace of your life seems to be settling down, you cannot escape the feeling that something isn't quite right. Instead of worrying about those things that cannot be changed, pay attention to taking care of yourself and those you love. Concentrating on circumstances within your sphere of influence will at least make you feel better for now.

September 28, 2007

I'm baffled by horoscopes every now and then. I dunno. A lot of people think they're legit. Other people think they're absurd. I kinda fall in the middle where I think, "Wow, what a coincidence." Or I think, "How ironic." This horoscope elicits a "Whoa, that sounds familiar" type of reaction. Trying to escape something that isn't quite right... Worrying about things that cannot be changed... Well, the stars are reading true. Lately, I've been trying to figure out what's "wrong," the something that doesn't feel "right," but I can't pinpoint it. There's something inside that doesn't feel right and I can't get a grip on it. It's frustrating. But I guess it's a circumstance where I can analyze it til my brain fries or I can "Let go and Let God." I really need to do the later.

What does your horoscope say?

Be glad about... [the] trials you suffer. Their purpose is to prove that your faith is genuine. Even gold...is tested by fire; and so your faith...must also be tested, so that it may endure." - 1 Peter 1:6-7

poetry on the couch.

it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees.

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here.

oh the therapy of music and a teardrop. God bless it!

looking through a different lens.

I've been reading this book entitled, The Way of the Warrior - Stories of the Crow People. It was written and edited by people of Crow origin and they do a pretty good job explaining different aspects of the Crow culture. Living in Montana, I heard first-hand accounts and significant aspects of their culture. It was humbling to hear stories from women and men who were raised on the reservation and who have carried on traditions. As I was reading, one part of the Crow values offered a different perspective on relationships.

"A good man was the core, life, and strength of the tribe... Good men did not cherish material things or lasting relationships. As the traditional saying goes, 'Nothing is forever, only the sky and earth are forever. Glory endures.' Hence, good men were not jealous or possessive of wives, family, or earthly things. Men who left wives or 'threw them away' were often performing prestigious acts. They demonstrated how little they cared for temporal attachments. 'Throwing away' a spouse (it could be done by either sex but was more frequent among men) acknowledged that one was so conscious of this principle that he or she would give up everything, even what was most dear. The act also illustrated the generosity of the individual, as he or she would most likely be giving away a prized 'good woman' or 'good man.'"

Crow values are very sacred, values that I admire. But I had trouble understanding this when I first read it. I guess it's because I have a different perspective on relationships. I think this stance offers one that is similar to Buddhist teachings - one that emphasizes the process of letting go of earthly things - including relationships. I've never been good at that.

I couldn't imagine leaving relationships or "throwing away" a person as a means to give something up. In that sense, I could never be a "good woman" in Crow standards. I'm too selfish. I hold on too much to the people I love and cherish. I guess that's always been my blessing and my curse though: I get too attached to people so that when I have to say goodbye or the relationship changes, I freak out. My ultimate weakness... I guess the danger in that is that of jealousy and possessiveness.

But the Crow and Buddhist perspectives are right. Nothing lasts forever. And there's a healthy way of learning to let go. I'm just too stubborn to do so. :) So I'll keep holding on. Hopefully, I won't suffocate my relationships. And the process of loosening my grip will overcome the danger of jealousy and possessiveness.

With that said, I miss you.

Drinking From My Saucer

I've never made a fortune,
and it's probably too late now.
But I don't worry about that much,
I'm happy anyhow.

And as I go along life's way,
I'm reaping better than I sowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer
'cause my cup has overflowed.

I don't have a lot of riches,
and sometimes the going's tough.
But I've got loved ones all around me,
and that makes me rich enough.

I thank God for His blessings
and the mercies He's bestowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer
'cause my cup has overflowed.

I remember times when things went wrong,
My faith wore somewhat thin.
But all at once the dark clouds broke,
and the sun peeped through again.

So Lord, help me not to gripe
about the tough rows I have hoed.
I'm drinking from my saucer
'cause my cup has overflowed.

If God gives me strength and courage
when the way grows steep and rough,
I'll not ask for other blessings,
I'm already blessed enough.

And may I never be too busy,
To help others bear their loads.
Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer
'Cause my cup has overflowed.

- John Paul Moore -

Rip, Tear, Rummage

It's been practically a month since I've moved back home, and I'm still unpacking...

I shipped home seven boxes of "media mail" filled with pictures, scrapbook material, art projects, paints, paper, decorations, teaching supplies, old letters and post cards.

Opening each box brings back memories of Montana. And I don't know if I necessarily want to unpack these boxes. :/ Odd. Mostly it's because I'm overwhelmed by the amount of crap I have (dangit for being a sentimentalist! and a pack-rat!) but also because it reminds me so much of Montana - where I kept this stash of scrapbook crap, where this picture hung, when I made this drum, when so-and-so sent me this letter or that package...

I miss it and yet I don't. I can't manage to reconcile my feelings about Montana. And it almost seems to be packed away in these boxes. Unpacking them slowly... Absorbing the memories - the good and the bad.