ramblings... in twenty-four hours...

trust your gut. go with it. learn to listen. really listen. a fleece lining on you bed can really make you warmer - thanks mom (along with two blankets and a bed sheet, warm sweats, a long sleeve t-shirt & camisole, a hoodie, and warm warm warm socks). it's meant to be a challenge -- when God really wants you to find what you truly love, what you are truly passionate about. don't expect. it's not about you... or, it's not about me. the bible makes you think. duh. we were made for love. and we are worthy of God's love. prayer doesn't work just the night before...it's constant. grateful. very grateful. i miss...people. forgive - otherwise, you become bitter. the widow offered her whole livelihood. what's your whole livelihood? what's my whole livelihood?

Godspeed and God bless.

unconditionally. no fear. no expectations.

They genuinely loved. I had never felt so loved.
And they taught me how to love.
Unconditionally.
With no fear.
With no expectations.

Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is,
than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way.

What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything.
It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning,
what you will do with your evenings,
how you will spend your weekends, what you read, who you know,
what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.

Fall in love. Stay in love. And it will decide everything.

Fr. Pedro Arrupe, SJ

emo for 3:04

so thanks to francia, ate and i have been obsessed with the WICKED soundtrack. you know me and musicals - when i get obsessed, i get hooked. so hopefully, i'll find my job soon and once i take the family and my derrick out to celebrate, i'll save money to buy tickets for the fambam to see wonderful "Wicked!" :D song of the moment for the "unrequited lover" aka charlie brown and the emo in me:

Hands touch, eyes meet,
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl...

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl...

Every so often we long to steal
To the land of "What-Might-Have-Been"
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And heaven knows

I'm not that girl...

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl...

"I'm Not That Girl" performed by Elphaba in "Wicked"

This song made me tear up - on multiple occasions! It's poignant and honest. I'm planning to read the novel but from what Francia told us about the show and from the summaries/story plots I've read online, I really feel for Elphaba. This song is Charlie Brown-esque. *sigh* I have an affection for the underdogs. It's hopeful to know that in the end, they find their peace. Their happiness. Their love. :)

Sometimes those cheesy emails yield some wisdom.

No one falls in love by choice;
it is by chance.

No one stays in love by chance;
it is by work.

And no one falls out of love by chance;
it is by choice.

I've always been infatuated by the idea of love. As dearest Rachelle has said, I "fell in love with love" by the 4th grade when I had my first official crush. But I've always been so naive - I don't think I've ever understood it. My idea of love has been so glamorized --- by Hollywood, by novels, by the true-life romances of my friends and family. For me, love has been idealized. Loving a significant other meant constant warm fuzzies, loving a parent meant being held all the time, loving a friend meant sharing secrets each and every moment of the day - regardless of the hour.

But naive me has learned a thing or two about love. Love hurts. I'm not trying to sound melodramtic but freakin love - true, raw love hurts. I'm constantly learning that love involves more than warm fuzzies or physical contact or connections. Love involves a whole other dimension that involves experiencing fear, letting go, having blind faith, trusting the unknown, questioning your securities and insecurities, doing a self-evaluation...

I'm learning that love isn't one or the other. It's both. Beauty and pain.

I can't help it - I'm cheesy but I gained another valuable lesson about love when I was watching American Wedding on TV. Homeboy's dad asked Michelle, "Why is it called 'making love?' Because you have to work at it." No shit... You have to put forth effort in your familial, platonic, and romantic relationships to make love come forth. Since leaving home --- my Mama, Daddy, Ate, and hs galpals, going to college in a new place --- finding my homies, sisters, and brothers, moving to the boonies of Montana --- living with the girls and working with my kiddos, and returning back home --- finally being with my boyfriend, it's been a journey of growing pains and learning the reality of love in its truest form - beautiful yet painful, incredibly overwhelming and confusing, sometimes conditional or sometimes unconditional... But to know love, I have to make love - live it, manifest it, enbrace it, and recognize that I'm constantly in love - immersed and surrounded by it too.

At the root of it, "love is from God and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God...for God is love." 1 John 4: 7-8 Something I need to remind myself often...

"Loves bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things... Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13: 7-8

Love never fails.

I'm feeling pensive.

The past two days have been good bonding days with the fambam. With the Asong sisters reunited, it's a trip watching my mom with her sisters. I've laughed. I've farted. I've been quiet and observant. I've been overstimulated by all the going-ons. We spent yesterday catching up with mom's sister from pinas. Today, sister from wa flew down and it feels good to see them all together - for the first time in years... seeing their bond makes me so grateful for family but most especially for my sister-friend. (don't cry, ate hehe) it's an irreplaceable bond that no other relationship can fill. and when you meet a friend who can meet sister-status, that's pretty impressive. i'm grateful for those girls who have also reached sister-status.

nostalgia - i happen to come across my autobiography essay for my jvc application. i was so optimistic. such an idealist. i felt so firm in my convictions - in the words i wrote. and now, i'm at a loss for words. i'm impressed by how inspired and how inspired i was just a year and a half ago. how things can change... college was such an idealistic time where i felt like i could conquer the world. i felt invincible, i could go and serve people around the world, be a true "missionary" (as tita calls me hah!), maintain and gain old and new relationships with the people i encountered, continue to live in this idealistic bubble that i created in seattle. ah, but how it stings and how it changes when reality hits. growing pains... i feel like i've lost my fuel, my confidence, my passion. it's somewhere in me... but it has yet to be unmasked.

"searching for meaning can help you sustain what you already have." right on, horoscope.

good night and sweet dreams all. :)