Flashback Thoughts

8 August 2006

I did it. I'm here at JVC Orientation. My path led me here. God brought me to this day. I'm just disappointed I didn't journal more about it. Anyway, I arrived in Portland today at 9 a.m. and arrived in camp. Met my housemates. Five girls. Welcoming ritual included a smudging ritual of a Native American tribe. We were called to purify ourselves. Purify. I said yes. Yes to challenge. Yes to joy. Yes to be ruined...for life. For now, sleep.


9 August 2006 3:45 p.m.

We're working on / praying with an exercise that calls us to grieve our 'losses' - to the people and things we have said goodbye to for a year, to have closure. But to be honest, I don't think I'm quite ready for that. I don't think I've come to terms with the fact that I have to say goodbye. With FAMILY, I know I'll never have to. But it was really hard for me to leave California. ... But I rest in the comfort in knowning that they are my solid foundation of love.

Ate told me this was my year of sacrifice. Indeed, it is. It is the sacrifice of my community of FRIENDS in Seattle. Over the past year, I have been in constant denial about leaving them, about being apart, about letting go, and losing relationships, about never having the same friendships again. There's something liberating and terrifying in that. ... Circumstances will change - have changed. And yet again, as I am writing this, I am numbed. ... I just have to have more faith and trust. ... I am also afraid of letting go of my recent exepreinces - of graduation, Ecuador, Europe. I want to savor them, embrace them, keep them close forever, but I know that any gift given must be released in order for it to be fully realized. <--- philosophy for Fredo

But as I let go, the process of letting in is slowly unfolding. I always felt like the character in the Bible who comes to Jesus and says, "Master, I am here. I have followed all the commandments. I am a good Christian. What more do I need to do to know you?" And Jesus tells him, "Come and follow me, leaving everyone and everything behind, selling your possessions." And he can't follow. Because he is attached to these people and things, because he simply can't let go. In a sense, I feel like I have taken one step ahead and that I have let go, I am beginning because I said yes to God.

I said yes to God.



22 August 2006 1 a.m.

During our JVC Orientation, we were called to make this year our Love Story. To echo the words of Pedro Arrupe, SJ, "Fall in love. Stay in love. And it will decide everything."

Tonight, it made me thing, "I don't think I have a love story." I don't think I've ever fallen in love with someone - something. In some cases I thought I had, but I didn't.

But then, it makes me think of Search. I fell in love with the retreat - with people - with dancing - with singing - with crying and laughing in the same breath - with affirmations and letters - with God - with love. I fell in love with love.

And then I think about Mexico. And I fell in love with the food, the culture, the people.

But I think the most recent encounter with falling in love occurred this summer when I met people in Ecuador. They genuinely loved. I had never felt so loved. And they taught me how to love. Unconditionally. With no fear. With no expectations. (Not to say that I don't already experience this with my own family.)

I wish to have that experience yet again in Billings. But I am afraid to love. I am afraid that if I give of my heart, it can be shattered to pieces. I'm afraid I'll start to expect. I'm afraid I'll be disappointed. I'm afraid I'll disappoint.

But that's the only thing I can do - love. I want to fall in love this year... with God. And with love.

"Fall in love. Stay in love. And it will decide everything."