Prayer is Incredible.

"Be glad about...[the] trials you suffer. Their purpose is to prove that your faith is genuine. Even gold...is tested by fire; and so your faith...must also be tested, so that it may endure." - 1 Peter 1:6-7

This appears to be the story of my life - tracing me back to my roots and to my present day life.

"It ain't possible to explain some things. It's interesting to wonder on them and do some speculation, but the main thing is you have to accept it --- take it for what it is and get on with your growing." - Jim Dodge

Get on with your growing, Wing.

Thanks to the Ate for gifting me with the book, Challenge, A Daily Meditation Program Based on The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius (Oh those Jesuits!).

Buddhist Enlightenment

"LIFE is a good teacher and a good friend. Things are always in transition, if we could only realize it. Nothing ever sums itself in the way that we like to dream about. The off-center, in-between state is an ideal situation, a situation in which we don't get caught and we can open our hearts and minds beyond limit. It's a very tender, non-aggressive, open-ended state of affairs." - Pema Chodron

Experiencing the First Conflict....

23 September 2006 12:15 a.m.

We just had a community meeting this evening. It started around 8:30 p.m. and we just kinda parted ways now. I’m happy with the way it went. I think I was honest enough about things that have been upsetting me (condescending feelings, exclusion).

At the same time, I received criticism and concern. People knew I was homesick but didn’t understand where I was coming from. I wasn’t allowing them too. Katie said I wasn’t exactly “approachable” which was hurtful to hear but truth being spoken. I haven’t allowed them to come and chat with me. My barricades have been up. I’ve been insisting that they’re all different from what I’m used to and different from my friends back home.

I even had a break down in front of them for the first time.

Erin told me that I was different a month ago at Orientation. That she had hoped to get to know me better. And now I’m a different person. She said she was even somewhat hurt and jealous that I had so many friends back home and I wasn’t allowing such relationships to form here in Billings.

I didn’t realize they cared so much.

I think I have been so wrapped up with keeping up my life in Seattle and maintaining those relationships that I lost sight of my life here in Billings. I was just settling. Seattle wasn’t the same. I was being forgotten. In the meantime, in Montana, I wasn’t opening myself up. I wasn’t being myself. And I wasn’t allowing people to know who I was.

And they’ve wanted to know who I was – I just haven’t allowed them to or given them such an opportunity. For that, I am so sorry. And for that, I am humbled.

I feel so much better having communicated some heartache. I am very naïve and still growing in this notion of being in community. I’m having to understand the different perspectives of individuals.

It’s just challenging because I didn’t realize how lost I felt and how much I was holding on to my past. I wasn’t – I am not living out my life here. And I think that’s probably the saddest thing that could be happening. I don’t know if I’m necessarily ready to let go of my friends yet. But I know that I want to finally live my life here in Montana – with my community, my family, for the new year.

I’m glad I finally cried out this feeling that has been stifling me. I’m glad that my roommates have finally seen me in a vulnerable state. I’m glad I cried in front of them and showed them what I have been going through and that they cared to listen and reach out.

I am so humbled, Lord. I am so blessed. Thank you.

Now, I’m going to fall asleep thanking God to the sound of raindrops pattering outside my basement window. Amen.

23 September 2006 9:09 a.m.

I’m still thinking about last night and the discussion we had. I didn’t realize how much I was doing wrong.

Being defensive. Having so much fear. Closing myself up. Building the barricades. Not being approachable. Not showing the love and compassion that exists within.

I am so hurt that I haven’t offered myself in such a way to my roommates. I’m glad they told me, but I am so saddened by it. Not to the point that I’ll begin pitying myself, but just sad that I haven’t been authentic. I haven’t been honest. And I’ve been living in fear rather than in love.

This isn’t who I am. My friends know that I want to be present to them. I want to be a place of comfort and encouragement and love. I want to be able to share in my faith and grow in our insecurities together.

It’s ironic to go from that conversation to then receive a text message from George that reads, “Hello friend! I hope I’m not waking u up. I just wanted to say we have a bunch of friends here watching wedding video footage. We r drinking to the lovely gift of fragolino u so thoughtfully given us! We wish we could drink it with u, but champagne will go flat soon. We really wish u could be with us, but pls know we r fondly thinking of u. our thoughts, our prayers, our love go with u always. When we see u in footage. We will all toast to amazingly beautiful person that is rowena catalla! We love u dearly and always. – george, kat, matt, josh, jon, carla, tiff, & andy

This is what I want them to see. I haven’t offered this to my roommates and for that I am so sorry. I’ve wasted a month in fear. I haven’t been creating a love story. I have been perceiving myself as an outcast and looking at my roommates as another entity – a “them.”

Forgive me, Father. Forgive me, Erin, Katie, Heather, Megan, Courtney.

Taking Up My Cross...and finding God in the process.

Jesus suffered so we could live. And so must we - suffer a few trials and tribulations.

My cross for this year is carrying on relationships of the past. Or rather, letting go. And letting in.

I have always struggled with a constant dependence on parents, siblings, family, friends... and now that they aren't physically present before me, I am so fearful of losing such ties and connections. I don't have enough trust in the continuation of relationships, and I find that disappointing that I just can't have faith or trust in that growth process.

I think my flaw as a human being is establishing such high expectations that I naturally set myself up for disappointment. In relationships - in work - in many different things that come my way.

And as I evaluate these things, I realize that this is how God must feel in my relationship with him. He wants us to be dependent on him, to foster this deep sense of love from him and of him, and yet, I do not take the time to communicate with him or listen to him. I am so caught up in the earthly matters of this world that I forget the divine existence of God before me. And for that, I take him for granted.

I am so sorry, Lord.

The feeling of being taken for granted is terrible. And I'm sorry that I have taken God for granted. I see my JVC journey as an opportunity to develop that relationship so that in turn, I can be in relationship with others and share a Christ-centered connection.

This is a cross I am overwhelmed by but am willing to bear - with all the tears and laughter, sadness and joy that will come out of it.

When you spend 3 hours on the phone with a friend miles away...

...you begin to take random pictures and send them to one another.

I'm really excited to be on the phone.

emO.

and all because she wanted to see my glasses! Oh Franco.

Random Notions...

I'm not fully energized to create a massive post but I felt the calling - the desire to write.

Homesickness.

I've experienced quite frequently. I surpress it or prolong it by escaping into my laptop and logging online. Checking emails...Facebook...other blogs...my blog...Posting pictures for family and friends to see.

I also have the same distraction I had in college - DVDs. Romantic comedies that make me cry and seek out love and desire to be in love. *sigh* I've also written many many many letters. I write letters rather than journal. Chris, an area director for JVC, even suggested photocopying letters that we write as a means to document them. I definitely have been doing that.

Sadly, I don't pray as much as I'd like to. And I don't think I've silenced myself enough to hear God enough times.

...and I thought the whole point of this was to find God, listen, and fall in love with God. Bah.

Even now I'm escaping - onto my blog. I can't win! Maybe I should try it out now....

Labor Day Fun

Here's a taste of how I spent Labor Day Weekend in Montana...

- CHIEF PLENTY COUPS' MEMORIAL CELEBRATION -
-- Pyror, Montana --

[ Rowena, Katie, Heather, Erin, Megan ]

[ Traditional Costumes and Tribal Dancing ]

[ Looking Out from a Tepee ]


- HIKING ON RIM ROCKS -
-- Billings, Montana --
[ Rowena, Erin, Heather ]


[ Overlooking Billings ]


[ Journaling on Top of the World ]



- MUSTANGS BASEBALL GAME -
--Billings, Montana --


[ At the Old Ball Game ]


[ Enjoying the Game with former JVs, Brian & Erica ]

[ Chillin' with Erica's Brother, Kevin ]

Plus, FREE FOOD!!! Hurrah for long weekends and good fun!

Emotional Sentiments

the only thing consistent and constant in my life (other than my beloved family) - the one thing i can be certain of - is that everything changes - on a daily basis. and as liberating as that is, change scares me to death.

Two Weeks in Montana...

This is a LONG entry so the subtitles can help you navigate!

Well, it’s been two weeks since my arrival and it’s been an interesting journey thus far.

[Leaving on a Jet Plane]

My arrival was met with much fear but more excitement. I was happy after leaving orientation – I got along with my roommates; we were going together to a new place; we had different experiences, but we were all ready to experience a new journey – a new phase of our lives, a new year. So when I flew out of SeaTac, I didn’t have tears. I had cried most of it out. I was scared but prepared to start anew. Saying goodbye to my friends for a second time wasn’t so bad – I knew I had to work hard at keeping in touch, and I think I’ve done a good job so far. Arriving in Montana, I was physically exhausted. After the beautifully emotional wedding of Kat and George and dancing the night away at Ashley’s birthday celebration (and also limping the night away from 16 hours of high heels on my feet! aaaah), I was ready to settle down – to be in my own space and be in my own home for the first time in 2 months. Living out of a suitcase for 8 weeks isn’t exactly great but seeing all the places and meeting new people was definitely well worth it.

[Settling and Racial Discrimination at Work]

Week One consisted of setting up my bedroom, unpacking my bags and receiving packages from home with more stuff (thanks mommy daddy and ate!). It also consisted of learning proper house etiquette and learning the rules that had already been determined during my week in Seattle (i.e., dinner assignments, chores, where things belonged, etc.) After two days of rest, relaxation, setting up and settling in, I also started work at St. Charles. Wednesday, August 22^nd was Orientation for New Staff followed by All-Staff Training on Thursday and Friday. It was good to meet the people we were going to be working with, getting free breakfasts and lunches (I’m just like a college student – seeking out FREE FOOD anywhere I can!). But this was also my first encounter with racial differences in a working environment. With certain individuals on staff, there is great tension between the American Indians and non-Natives. On our first day of training, I was so disheartened by the tension and tones I heard in the voices of my co-workers. One individual would say something and another who respond in a smart tone. It went both ways – from the Crow people and the non-Crow people. Erin and I left school feeling a bit uneasy. The following day, Nikki, our principal, addressed this tension and said that we must work through these differences and reminded the staff that we are here for the kids. We also experienced the racial ignorance of people from small places – small towns. One woman, the fifth grade teacher, referred to Asians as “Orientals” and even whipped out the term “Chink” when she was telling Erin and I about a story she had had. I was so astounded, I couldn’t say anything. The following week, I experienced blatant discrimination when she couldn't read/pronounce a word (which I think was written in the Crow language) she looked at me and said, "Oh I can't pronounce that. It's probably a word from one of your people." I was so overwhelmed I just smiled at her and said, "Oh well I don't know that word I can't pronounce it either." I'm so mad at myself for not saying anything... I’m disappointed and I know I’ve disappointed many others for not stepping up and saying something for her ignorance. My roommate attempted to justify or understand what just happened and said, "Did she mean people from California or something?!" And I said, "Nope. Nope. I'm pretty sure she meant Asians/Filipinos... or maybe I should say ORIENTALS." Maybe that way she'd understand it. I know I can’t hold a grudge because it'll just consume me and get the best of me. But at the same time, I was wrong in not saying anything at all and calling her out on her ignorance – and I mean that in the nicest possible way. I pray that doesn’t come up again but if it does, I will say something. It's a surreal experience because I've never experienced blatant discrimination like that - especially coming from California and Washington. I am surrounded by diversity coming from these places, but at work and in my own home, I am the only Asian in the population. That in itself is a culture shock – considering I grew up with Asians around me. It isn’t a bad experience but it is definitely a different experience. I am just fortunate I have a very open and understanding household when it comes to issues of diversity and justice.

[Homesick what?!]

By the time the second week started, my honeymoon stage of living here ended. Reality started to hit that I wouldn’t be seeing my family and friends for a year. I received a letter in the mail from a dear friend (*ahem*Paul*ahem*) and tears started to stream down my face. I realized that I wouldn’t be home with Mom, Dad, and Ate (again after 4 years of being away) and that I would be away from my other family – my Seattle family. I wouldn’t be starting school again this September or welcoming new students at Orientation. I wouldn’t be spending every waking hour in Campus Ministry or working it up in ASSU (haha “working it up” right?). I wouldn’t see Search roll around or catch happy hour with friends @ Cayenne or DragonFish or Satellite or Barca or Appleby’s (wow, I sound like an alcoholic). I wouldn’t have Monday Night Football on Logan Field or Intramurals or soccer games or basketball games to attend. I wouldn’t be studying for Theology or English – pulling all-nighters with papers or assignments. And that was a tough reality for me to face – one that I had desperately been pushing away. So most of last weekend was spent in my room - decorating, looking at pictures from Seattle and California – from my summer experiences, and trying to create a space that I would call home for the next year. I think I did a pretty good job. I have yet to take a picture of it. I haven’t fully completed it since pictures of family and friends hasn’t been posted up yet. Ooops.

[I Vent...for the next three or four paragraphs]

As far as living in our white house with blue trimmings, it hasn’t been peachy keen. I’m learning more about our different personalities and finding that I’m clashing more than I am getting along with the girls. As I told dear Amelia in an email, I’m living with five girls who are all very nice but the honeymoon stage is definitely over. I've gotten a little annoyed. I've gotten a little impatient. I've definitely cried because of my insecurities and differences with some of the girls in the house. They aren't mean - they just aren't as nice as I'm used to being surrounded. Maybe I'm too sensitive or maybe just maybe even too nice. Three of the six girls have been working for the past several years while the other three of us have just graduated. Understandably, we are all at very different places in our lives. Haha to be honest, I don’t know how to write about this situation without being too mean or petty. Maybe a lot of it is me being petty but at the same time, a lot of it is differences in our personalities.

...

I think the problem is that there are many personalities and we all have a tendency to be strong-minded about things and it’s about finding the balance between it all. I hope I didn’t sound too condescending or arrogant in my criticism…because God knows I have many many many flaws that need some adjusting and work and that contribute to the madness I have experienced in this house.

At times, I still feel like I haven’t found my voice. There have been a few passive-aggressive quirks here and there and comments stated under my breath. But yea, I know that that isn't a healthy way to deal with things but I still haven't found my niche just yet. And I miss Seattle. I miss friends who understand me even before I open my mouth or who walk up to me and automatically give me hugs. Obviously I miss family who embrace me for my quirkiness and randonmess and bratty-ness all rolled in one. It almost feels like the beginning of college all over again but so much harder...

[i HEART kids]

And so, it is the children at St. Charles that sustain me. They bring joy to my heart when I see accomplishment and they drive me when I see that they are struggling. I want so much to develop rich connections with these students, but it is certainly challenging learning the balance between being an authority figure and then being a friendly person they can approach. At school, I have my own cubicle place and it’s exciting – decorated with pictures from home and the school schedule and whatnot. On Tuesday, I begin working with the Kindergarten class. I will be coming in for 2 hour sessions daily, helping with their reading development. Their faces are a sight.

With that said, a break… More to come about experiencing the culture and school days…