25 days and counting... hehe

*shrug* i don't know.

breaking down
in this strange town...

i wanna cry.
i must try

not to succumb;
just feel numb

for now...
where art Thou?

"who am i?"
i constantly sigh.

i'm tired.
i am tired.

but onward Christian soldier.

go on and on and on.

things will be okay.
taking things day by day.

seeing Christ in the light.
praying with all my might.

pray pray pray.
each night and each day.


...thank you. you and you. and You. <3

blogging...

i've been on hiatus. brb

just for your information...

...i have a mild traumatic brain injury.

translation: i have a swollen face and a headache on the left side of my face.

so much for learning how to swing dance after youth group. i end up on the grass, with my face on the ground, bruises on my knees and my face, and numbing sensation on the left side of my face and a pressure-headache on the left part of my head.

brilliant, i'm a genius! ouch.

chat with the moon.

I need your grace to remind me to find my own.
[snow patrol]


God grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is.
Not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen.
[Reinhold Niebuhr]

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He will direct your paths.
[Proverbs 3: 5-6]

without a doubt...

...kids make me happy.

this is a major reason why i want to teach. but then i come across the dilemma of whether i want to teach them and to a certain degree be a disciplinarian or if i want to just love them and play with them and care for them.

today, i went to the park by our house to destress. i was swinging and journaling at the same time, sun beating down on my pasty-self. (i've lost my color...the snow made me albino!) and this little kid runs up to the swing right next to me. he starts swinging and smiling with these gorgeous light eyes and he keeps saying, "hi! hi!" and with every push he received from his mom and dad, he went higher and kept saying "hi!" he was so happy. he made me so happy.

and last week, friday was a day that warmed my heart. my kids warmed my heart. here's how:

two of my kindergartners were tattle-taling on each other - telling me each other's offenses. i really had it so i said, "girls, i don't like it when you tell on each other. it's not nice." but they persisted so i responded by saying, "ok give me your papers. we're not going to work today. you made me sad because you're being mean to each other." so the girls stopped and we did our own thing quietly. at the end of our time together, one of the little girls came up to me and said, "i'm sorry i've been upset with you." and hugged me.

i almost cried right then and there in the classroom.

round two of warming my heart happened when two of my kindergartner boys were talking about what they would do when they were grown-ups. here's how the dialogue went:

Famous: Blase is gonna race cars when he grows up.
Miss C: Oh really? What are you gona do?
Famous: I'm gonna play ball.
Miss C: Oh cool. You're gonna play ball?"
Famous: Yea. What are you gonna do when you grow up?
Miss C: I'm gonna teach, like your teacher.
Famous: That's all?

totally a moment from a Peanuts gang or Family Circus comic strip!

my final heart-warming moment happened off-campus at the post-office when i was waiting for erin to drop off her mail. a pre-school who lives across the street from the post-office came running towards the car. i reached my hand out so i could give her five or shake her hand. as she approached the car, she stopped by my window, kissed my pinky, and ran away.

in the words of little miss marie d., "that's sooooo preciooooous!!!!"

:)

these are the moments i'm really gonna miss when i leave montana. those kids break my heart with their smiles and enthusiasm. i don't love them enough. i need to love them more! and they have no idea how much they are shaping and forming my life as we speak.

God bless those little angels.

Hollywood Epiphany

Yesterday, I went to the library and saw this huge book on Humphrey Bogart. *sigh* This book has amazing photos - all black and white of a classic actor. As I was flipping through the pages, I came across this dialogue:

RICK: I'm saying it because it's true. It's inside of us, we both know you belong with Victor. You're part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

ILSA: But what about us?

RICK: We'll always have Paris. We didnt' have, we lost it until you came to Casablanca. We got it back last night.

ILSA: When I said I would never leave you.

RICK: And you never will. But I've got a job to do, too. Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be any part of. Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. Now, now... Here's looking at you kid.


Gotta love Casablanca. Upon reading this scene, there was something that struck a chord inside of me. Saying goodbye and leaving is probably one of my greatest fears, what I hate the most. Sometimes, you have to suck it up. And sometimes, you're stuck wallowing in your misery. I think most days, I'm in the latter.

But reading this scene from Casablanca somehow made me feel okay with it - with everything - rather than being so melancholy. Rick said it best when he said, "We'll always have Paris."

I'll always have...

bike rides in Berendo with Ate and playing with Snowball.
driving to preschool, elementary, and high school with Rach and co.
talent shows and mini-Carnivals and 8th grade plays at SBS.
the H.O.P.E. and liturgy clubs from NDA.
the high school dances and going through phases of raving, platform shoes, fun skirts.
the filming of our dramatic "The Last Piece" with my HS girls.
commuting between LA and Palmdale.
trips back home to the Philippines.
summers in Yuma and Everett with Mia and Joy.
the birth of Jeric.
Hanson concerts through middle school and high school.
the infectuous, giddy school-girl crushes.
hittin up Cherry Street with Fammafia.
crying and laughing and smiling and loving all because of Search.
partyin and chillin OA-ohana style.
the mischief and merriment of the RA world.
Vantage Park 312 (and the 5th Floor suite of homeboys).
fat nights and study nights with the girls.
dancing dancing dancing the night away with gross old-man Elvis wannabe in the background or getting make-up done by Ollie.
hearing "Hero" performed by my own Enrique Iglesias-es: Viet and Ashley.
crying with the girls over stupid boy drama.
going to the Mexican border and feeling so guilt-ridden.
bringing a picnic blanket to Championship Field and watching soccer games.
veggin and chillin, watching movies and sex and the city while sharing beverages with the girls+paul.
palanca. palanca. palanca. :)
planning meetings for our excursion to Ecuador.
week-end warm-ups and limo rides.
s'mores with tea lights and bbq sticks @ Madison Park.
summer days @ the Kirkland waterfront.
potlucks galore with fammafia.
walks to Pike Place and dates @ B&O.
flag football and rock climbing events.

...all of it.

We'll always have all of it. Here's looking at you kid.

how ironic.

WEDNESDAY: April 11, 2007

Your friends are even more important to you now and you want extra time to chat with them about a variety of interests. You might have a hard time keeping up with everything that you start in the weeks ahead. Between emails, phone calls and visits, there may not be much time left over for you. It's important to set boundaries and make room for quiet contemplation or you can get lost in your own noise.

delirium

"ohana means family. family means no one gets left behind or forgotten."

i've learned over the years that i don't like getting left behind. when i went to preschool, i had rachelle. when i went to st. brendan, i had ate and rachelle. entering high school, there was still ate and rachelle, among other friends...

when i entered college, i left. i didn't feel like i was getting left behind. i was moving forward.

when i graduated from college, i decided to leave seattle and cali. still, i wasn't being left behind. i continued to move forward.

after having two consecutive visitors in the land of montana, i feel the tinge and pain of being left behind. and it's not that ate or judy were leaving me behind. i just feel... lonely.

but what a blessing to have them experience my life here. as i listened to them talk about their experience of no man's land, the real-time boonies, "hicksville," i realized that i can never fully communicate the joys and challenges of being here - of being a JV - of being out in the middle of nowhere with family, friends, loved ones so many many many miles away.

now, ate and judy know. they've seen it firsthand. and it was a new perspective to hear it from them. and it hurts to know that they're gone now... and that i won't be seeing them for awhile. but at the same time, i have good things ahead of me - time to bond with the roommates, more letters to send, more emails to write, more phone calls to make, people miles away that i can continue to connect with, a trip to Seattle...

with every ounce of heartache, i grow stronger. perserverance and faith.

In a nutshell, I am...

...restless.
...constantly hungry.
...thankful.
...feeling inspired.
...sore.
...dehydrated.
...craving sweets.
...addicted to coffee. again.
...homesick.
...stressed.
...enlightened.
...confused.
...annoyed.
...happy.
...ashamed.
...getting sick.
...joyful.
...tired.
...finding God.
...deadtired.
...impatient.
...smiling.
...bored.
...missing you (the "royal" you).
...lost.
...uncertain.
...defensive.
...yearning to show some love.
...sorry.
...dancing.
...exhausted.
...static-y.
...pensive.
...inarticulate.
...almost indifferent.
...warm and cool in one.
...seeking reconcilation.
...growing within love.
...still tired.

why i smile every day

name: zepheniah
nickname: zephe
age: 5
grade: kindergarten
favorite superhero: spiderman
one of his pastimes: pretending to buck a bull

quotables:

"Can I go to the bathroom? I really have to go poo."

"Someone was already in the bathroom going poo."

"Miss Catalla, how do you spell your name?"

"Zephe, are you sharing the toys with the girls?" *smile* "My bad."

"I'm going to have a baby on February 7th."

i've decided i'm gonna take the kid home.

kids say the darnest things...

Every morning ritual school is the same. We get to school between 8-8:20 a.m. Say my usual "Good mornings" to teachers in the hallway and to Kay our supervisor. Then I unload my bag of crap filled with essentials - my planner, my sack-o-pencils, my journal, my Challenge and Living Faith prayer books (thanks Ate!), my novel (courtesy of Julie :) The Shadow in the Wind, some stationary (for letters to write when I have time to spare), whatever shoes I plan to wear for the day, my Bath and Body works lotion (courtesy of Paul!), my mini-scrapbook of quotes, and my trusty purple Nalgene filled with h2o.

Then, I fill it up with my school stuff - folders and papers, photocopies of phonics worksheets and alphabet and sight-word flashcards galore. Sometimes, my lip gloss gets lost in the mix. After packing the pack, I have 20 minutes to kill - usually checking the email or reading my prayer books or if I'm really ambitious - journaling.

It isn't until I walk into the classroom that the ritual is shifted by the things my kiddos say. Some days are nothing out of the ordinary: one kid's picking his nose and the girl next to him has snot coming down one nostril; another girl is commenting on my wearing a skirt and a boy is showing me his latest "boo-boo."

Then there are those special days when I'm short with the kids... And I constantly have to yell to get their attention or tell them they have to spend recess with me (dreadful, I know...).

And then --- there are the days when a student will come to my Center station, sit and diligently do her work and she'll ask, "Teacher, teacher - will you be a grandma when we have babies?"

heeheeheeheeheehee

I laughed, smiled, and said, "Yes, maybe I will... haha."

But her question made me think... I remember the students in middle school who have asked me, "Where's your husband?" "Have any kids?" "You're old, why aren't you married?" "Don't you want kids?" [My answers to these questions: a gentle smile and laugh --- God has a plan... hehe]

Their reality is far more different from mine. At the tender age of 16, some of these precious babies are having their own babies. By the time these newborns enter school, mommy or daddy is only 22, 24 years old... If not younger.

So when I thought about Nakola's question again, I started to wonder if any of my kindergarten kiddos would be poppin babies when they're 15-16 years old. That would be in approximately 10 years... That means I'd be in my early-mid 30s. [say whaaaa??! already?!] And I'll probably only be starting to have my own babies... which means I'd be giving birth at same time as some of my kiddos?

Wow. My head is spinning from thinking about all of that! And to think, it all began with such a simple question...

"Teacher, teacher will you be a grandma when we have babies?"

Runaway Run

In the movie Forest Gump, Forest decided that he felt like running. So he got up, left his home and ran. So did I.

Today, I had this urge to run. To run away from my house. To get away from my roommates. To leave behind the stories of my kiddos in school and youth group. To run away from Billings and the challenge of being here.

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands

Today, I had this urge to run. To run away from the pictures, letters, and emails from home. To temporarily let go of the memories of home – of Seattle, of Cali. To escape the pain of missing family and friends.

And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

So I left. I left my quirky south-side white house with blue trimmings, and I ran. I ran across the wet pavement with melting snow and slush hitting the bottom of my running shoes. I ran with the clothes on my back, holding my house keys and shoving my headphones in my ears. I ran. And I walked. Then I ran some more. And walked again.

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

I ran around our neighborhood to South Park and then I turned around and ran back. I had no destination, no idea of where I was going or what I wanted to do. I just felt like running. And as I ran, a pain started to increase in my chest. So I’d start walking. Then I decided, ”Ok, I’m ready to run.” But that pain would come back. So I ran and walked back and forth, with no destination in mind. And as Anna Nalick began singing “And breathe… just breathe” I thought, no matter how far I try to run or how much I want to escape my reality, my truth, my life, I can’t. Because the reality of whatever pain I am experiencing will follow me wherever I go. It’s a part of me.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Eventually, my run led me to another park and my ultimate destination ended up being the swings. Two swings. I sat down and looked into the sky where the sunset radiated beautiful orange and red tones. And I thought, it’s just me and God. Or at least, it has to be.

“In order for God to increase, we must decrease,” says Fanny my kindergarten teacher.

I started swinging, while my mp3 continued to blare out my favorites, and as Michelle Branch came on, I started singing. At the park. On the swings. By myself. Singing. In the southside of Billings, Montana.

As I was singing and swinging, I looked at the empty swing that sat next to me and I thought, “That one’s for You.”

So I'm a little left of center
I'm a little out of tune
Some say I'm paranormal
So I just bend their spoon
Who wants to be ordinary
In a crazy, mixed-up world
I don't care what they're sayin'
As long as I'm Your girl…

You get me
When nobody understands
You come and take the chance
’Cause You get me…

The world seemed to slow down at that moment. I looked up and saw the branches gently blowing with the breeze. I saw the color of the sun diminish and the moon start to appear. The wind got colder and I could feel my lips tingle from the cold air. I was suddenly aware of every sensation and movement around me. So I flew higher and higher on my swing.

Your love is extravagant.
Your friendship, it is intimate.
I feel like moving to the rhythms of your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place.

Your love is extravagant.
Spread wide in the arms of Christ
Is the love that covers sin.
No greater love have I ever known
You considered me a friend.
Capture my heart again.

The saying goes "Ignorance is bliss." Thomas Gray, I'm not sure where you were going with this. My thoughts? Ignorance can be pain.

When an adolescent looks at you and says, "I hate Chinese people," how are you supposed to react?

I'm not angry with him. I don't even hate him. I'd hug him right now if he were standing in front of me and smile too. The kid suffers from tourette syndrome and I have great sympathy for him; he doesn't know what he's saying...

But I am saddened and frustrated by the fact that racial discrimination is so prominent. That even I contribute to it every now and then. I was privileged and blessed enough to grow up in a large city where, despite the presence of racial discrimination, there was still a greater awareness and exposure to it. I could walk down a block and see someone who had "almond-shaped eyes" or who came from the continent of Asia. I could go to church, look around, and see a crowd of white, black, brown, yellow, red, blue, purple - you name it - people worshiping.

Now, it's a miracle if I see someone who looks even slightly like me. And I didn't realize this ethnic culture shock I was experiencing until this evening.

"I hate Chinese people." I'm frozen.

....

You don't understand. Don't try to justify or rationalize. Let me experience the hurt. Let me try to work through the tears. Let me seek wisdom and knowledge - forgiveness of my sins and those of others.

Free them

8 January 2007

Today during my Reading Recovery session with Jonathan, two very drastic things happened -
Number one: The kid farted. hahah
Number two: He told me his aunt almost died after taking too many pills.

That is the reality of my daily life in Pryor. Silly things happen but they are taken over by serious realities that these poor kids encounter. These kids have to grow up so fast. Too fast. This kid is only in 1st grade and that is his reality.

What was my reality in 1st grade? I was wearing a red plaid jumper, running around the playground. The worst thing that happened to me was when the school principal caught me whispering something in my classmate's ear. Turns out, I was convincing Charlyn to purposely exclude Rachelle. The irony of this all - Rachelle's my best friend to this day. That is the worst experience I could think of during my first grade year.

It breaks my heart to know that Jonathan already knows about suicide, that 5-year-old Kaysera misses her Mommy too much because she can't take care of her while she is busy drinking, and that 2nd grader Skylar was supposed to get a gun this weekend. And that is the reality of these children's lives. God bless their hearts.


I saw Freedom Writers with Courtney. And I saw how this teacher fought for the well-being of her students. She wanted them to succeed. She wanted them to learn. She wanted to challenge them to use their reality and bring it into their classroom to teach one another about hardship and unity, family and community. She made the classroom their safe haven - their homes.

And it made me think about my kids... I couldn't help but feel guilty. I don't love my kids as much as they need to be loved. I lose my patience too easily. I don't fully understand their reality. I look back on this journal entry that I wrote two weeks ago and I forget that this is their reality. I become more concerned about getting their homework packets back or take out the frustration I am experiencing with the roommates on my kids. My impatience reflects my fatigue or the internal stress I'm holding and I'm placing it on children who don't need that because they come to this school everyday seeking safety and care, comfort and love.

There are days I pray that I have easy moments with my students - where they are all geniuses and they just get it...that students out on the playground listen to me when I tell them to stop fighting or arguing. But the truth is, I don't have it easy. I have to push my students and teach them to understand basic phonics or the structure of a nonfiction story. I have to yell at students and tell them to be kind to one another, even if they retaliate and tell me, "I don't have to listen to you. You're not my mom." At the end of the day, I'm relieved to be driving away back into Billings.

But what kind of love am I demonstrating? None. Truth is, I need to love these kids. I need to show them love and give them love and share the love that exists within me. Even if I'm exhausted or stressed or frustrated by personal issues I'm experiencing. Because they deserve to be loved. And that's what I came out here to do... But sometimes, it's hard.

The gift that keeps on giving...

"The happiest of people don't necessarily have
the best of everything;
they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
Happiness lies ahead for those who cry, those who hurt,
those who have searched, and those who tried...
for only they can appreciate the importance of people
who have touched their lives."

Search. No words can convey how absolutely powerful this retreat was for me. And I made my Search four years ago... I am still profoundly impacted by the tears that come from going through my Search box and photos, all the memorabilia and paraphernalia years later... God really moved in a powerful way and God continues to use this experience as a stronghold in my life as my Search journey goes on.

"...tomorrow starts my first search without you and it just won't be the same. so i'll deal with the group hugs and stuff, but more than anything, i'll be thinking of you." :*| Enjoy the gift that keeps on giving. Love and love more...

Year in Review: 2006

Here's to 2006... Many thanks to the people, the places, the things, the Jesus and God who gave me these memories and experiences.

* Note to Kathee: I saw your post and thought, "Wow, I had the same idea in mind!"

And here's to 2007!

The way I see it...

To pray well I must first find out where I am.
Self-knowledge is never procured cheaply.

To pray well I need to face up to realities about myself that I would prefer to ignore: my anxieties, fears, private griefs, failures, lovelessness, my utter lack of resources.

To accept the truth about what I am, and also the truth about other human beings, demands courage.
If I do not pray well, it is usually because I lack that kind of courage.

Once I have confronted and accepted - as far as possible - that I am a needy person, the act of turning toward God is relatively easy. It is not faith in God that is hard, but the renunciation of illusory faith in myself. To turn toward God means, first, turning away from what is untrue or delusory - no matter how much comfort it brings.

Way to speak the truth, LIVING FAITH. Ate and I had a pretty poignant discussion about my experiences in Montana during one of our long drives. "Honesty hour" as she likes to call them. Somehow, the two of us always come back to the metaphor of a mirror. When the ugliness of reality hits, I always describe it as a mirror shattering into a million pieces; at that point, I am incapable of picking them up and putting them together. Ate reminded me that I need to see my own reflection because what people may see and reflect back to me isn’t necessarily who I am. Four years and six Search Retreats later, I’m still asking myself, “Who am I?” I have no doubt that I’ll be answering that question for the rest of my life.

Greetings, 2007

I can't believe it's 2007. Unreal how time flies! Too bad I don't have much energy to write anything of much consequence... except this - it is my desire to be more intentional about documenting my experiences here in Montana.

People ask me what it's like, and I can barely respond. I don't think I even know what I'm experiencing.

2006 was an amazing year. A year of accomplishment. A year of brokenness. A year of joy. A year of dreams. A year of tribulation. A year of loss. A year of love. A year of heartache. A year of LIFE. A year that led me down this path to JVC.

So here's to another year of life... a year to find the truest, purest love - a year to find and truly know God. Peace, love, and blessings to your year.

...Christmas time is here...

It's been a stressful but fun week. Paul arrived on Wednesday evening to visit and we've had quite the festivities! Hurrah! And now, I'm sick with a whiny scratchy voice. Hurrah again. Here's some photos that capture the past week:

My Kindergartener Kiddos...
I got weepy watching them sing and perform the Nativity.

Paul!!! Yay!

Merry Christmas from the JVs!

Our tree Fraiser, awaiting the coming of Jesus.