Free them

8 January 2007

Today during my Reading Recovery session with Jonathan, two very drastic things happened -
Number one: The kid farted. hahah
Number two: He told me his aunt almost died after taking too many pills.

That is the reality of my daily life in Pryor. Silly things happen but they are taken over by serious realities that these poor kids encounter. These kids have to grow up so fast. Too fast. This kid is only in 1st grade and that is his reality.

What was my reality in 1st grade? I was wearing a red plaid jumper, running around the playground. The worst thing that happened to me was when the school principal caught me whispering something in my classmate's ear. Turns out, I was convincing Charlyn to purposely exclude Rachelle. The irony of this all - Rachelle's my best friend to this day. That is the worst experience I could think of during my first grade year.

It breaks my heart to know that Jonathan already knows about suicide, that 5-year-old Kaysera misses her Mommy too much because she can't take care of her while she is busy drinking, and that 2nd grader Skylar was supposed to get a gun this weekend. And that is the reality of these children's lives. God bless their hearts.


I saw Freedom Writers with Courtney. And I saw how this teacher fought for the well-being of her students. She wanted them to succeed. She wanted them to learn. She wanted to challenge them to use their reality and bring it into their classroom to teach one another about hardship and unity, family and community. She made the classroom their safe haven - their homes.

And it made me think about my kids... I couldn't help but feel guilty. I don't love my kids as much as they need to be loved. I lose my patience too easily. I don't fully understand their reality. I look back on this journal entry that I wrote two weeks ago and I forget that this is their reality. I become more concerned about getting their homework packets back or take out the frustration I am experiencing with the roommates on my kids. My impatience reflects my fatigue or the internal stress I'm holding and I'm placing it on children who don't need that because they come to this school everyday seeking safety and care, comfort and love.

There are days I pray that I have easy moments with my students - where they are all geniuses and they just get it...that students out on the playground listen to me when I tell them to stop fighting or arguing. But the truth is, I don't have it easy. I have to push my students and teach them to understand basic phonics or the structure of a nonfiction story. I have to yell at students and tell them to be kind to one another, even if they retaliate and tell me, "I don't have to listen to you. You're not my mom." At the end of the day, I'm relieved to be driving away back into Billings.

But what kind of love am I demonstrating? None. Truth is, I need to love these kids. I need to show them love and give them love and share the love that exists within me. Even if I'm exhausted or stressed or frustrated by personal issues I'm experiencing. Because they deserve to be loved. And that's what I came out here to do... But sometimes, it's hard.