I was just thinking...

...did you ever notice how many "F" words there are that describe something insincere?

Fake
Front
Facade
False
Fraud
Fabricated
Forgery

Some food for thought. Add your own. That's all.

they say patience is a virtue.

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are, quite naturally, impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way
to something unknown,
something new.
And yet it is the law of all progress that it is made
by passing through some stages of instability,
and that it may take a very long time.

And so, I think, it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually. Let them grow.
Let them shape themselves without undue haste.
Don't try to force them on as though you could be today what time
- that is to say - grace
and circumstances
acting on your own good will
will make you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.

Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.
Above all, trust in the slow work of God,
our loving vine-dresser.

-Pierre Teilhard de Chardin -

wisdom.

"you're not screwed. you're blessed."

"We ride the same emotional wavelength. When we feel we feel every emotion to the fullest."

"keep the faith."

words words words

i keep wishing i'll have more eloquent thoughts to post. but i'm at a loss. or maybe it's just that i've lost my fuel for writing. for articulating myself. for conveying my thoughts.

i looked back on my lj that i started way back in the day. i never write in it. and i used to write some meaningful stuff in it. i look here and i see that i've barely written. spoken any words.

where did my words go?

and it's not that there's nothing to write about or share. plenty has happened in the past year...

i lived in the middle of nowhere... i worked on an indian reservation... i was close to poverty... i had to say goodbye to long friendships... and said hello to new ones... i faced blatant racism for the first time in my life... i experienced the bluntness of my students... i learned that teaching is a hard profession... i fell for someone, someone amazing... i was terribly, terribly homesick... i visited my life-long friends in seattle... and watched like a proud parent as half of them walked across qwest field and graduated... i spent quality time with my babies - jeric and janet... i found a new-life long friend in an old soul who wears a pink bandana... i was challenged by old ghosts... i was forced to look into the mirror and confront the reality of it... i've been falling off my spiritual path and desperately trying to seek my faith... by some miracle, someone actually fell for me... i was challenged to seek justice in my daily life... i led the life of a country bumpkin... i'm debating my future - where my passion lies... i spent six months away from my parents - the longest time i've ever spent away from them... i failed, in one way or another... or another... i was confronted with humilty and my eyes were opened to different parts of life... i met the parentals... i didn't get to say goodbye to some life-long friends... i saw RENT... and fell in love with it all over again... i've been distant from many of my life-long friends... i didn't feel like i was at home for a year... i hurt people and couldn't bring myself to apologize sincerely... i tried to "give myself to love..." i think my eyes were more dehydrated this year than ever - i didn't cry nearly as much as i did when i was in seattle... i've experienced "that thing - that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time...." i became addicted to movies and coffee... i was and always will be u.g.l.y... i danced at a bar where hip hop music and country two-step were interchangable... i wrestled a calf... i received bouquets of roses for my birthday and oversized sweatshirts to keep me warm in the winter... i sat naked in a crow indian sweat lodge.... i stood on top of the deep abyss and screamed at the top of my lungs... i ate breakfast to blue-grass music... i drove to butte for the biggest st. patrick's day party... i learned to be more honest with others and myself... i sought my jvc love story... and i was ruined for life....


and with all of that, i can't manage to produce a meaningful post. or at least one that i think is thoughtful or thought-provoking. i'm lost. i'm lost with my words. that's a damn shame. in the words of aunt voula from my big fat greek wedding, "o woe to me." haha

well with the words i do have...

i'm back home... i'm actually missing big sky country... i'm missing my coffee dates with the pink bandana... i'm missing the sights and sounds of pike place market, b&o, cupcake royale, and the space needle... i need to see my nda girls... i can actually go on real dates now with my babe... without being separated by 1241 miles or 18 hours of driving or 5 hours of flying... i can eat good food filled with carbs made by mommy dearest... i can be lovingly tortured by the sister-friend... i can pray with daddy and mama mary and the santo nino... i can have a bigger room that isn't infested with spiders... only ants - sometimes... i can count of family reunions to come along... i'm still missing some life-long friends... i miss my purple car from the rez... i miss my kiddos... i miss the big sky... i'm jobless... and i don't know what i want to do... yet... i'm awkward... i'm still tired... i'm in a different kind of provincial country - p-dale country... i'm still not done with harry potter and the deathly hallows... i'm trying to clean out my disastrous room filled with letters dating as far back as 1992 and hanson posters galore... i'm glad to be home...

so that's all i got for my words.

upside down

this week has been up up up and down down down down down... i didn't think leaving would have this much of an impact on me, and yet i'm going through all of this.

i'm happy one minute.
i'm sad the next.
then i'm thankful.
most times, i'm frustrated.
i get easily irritated.
i have no patience.

but underneath all that irritation and frustration - anger - whatever you wanna call it, i think is fear.

fear of leaving.
fear of going home.
fear of going back to a place that hasn't really been my home in five years.
fear of knowing i won't be going back to seattle.
fear of changing relationships.
fear of even losing relationships.
fear of becoming someone i don't wanna become.
fear of the unknown.
fear of grad school and my future career.
fear of popping my protective bubble... and jumping into another one.
fear of growing up.
fear of losing my spiritual life.
fear of love.
fear of losing passion for life.
fear of failing.
fear of hurting people i love.
fear of not taking chances.
fear of forgetting any knowledge i've gained.
fear of change.
fear of losing myself.

trust.faith.hope.love.

Godspeed.

none.

i'm...

so...

lost...

one week of big sky country.

le sigh.

25 days and counting... hehe

*shrug* i don't know.

breaking down
in this strange town...

i wanna cry.
i must try

not to succumb;
just feel numb

for now...
where art Thou?

"who am i?"
i constantly sigh.

i'm tired.
i am tired.

but onward Christian soldier.

go on and on and on.

things will be okay.
taking things day by day.

seeing Christ in the light.
praying with all my might.

pray pray pray.
each night and each day.


...thank you. you and you. and You. <3

blogging...

i've been on hiatus. brb

just for your information...

...i have a mild traumatic brain injury.

translation: i have a swollen face and a headache on the left side of my face.

so much for learning how to swing dance after youth group. i end up on the grass, with my face on the ground, bruises on my knees and my face, and numbing sensation on the left side of my face and a pressure-headache on the left part of my head.

brilliant, i'm a genius! ouch.

chat with the moon.

I need your grace to remind me to find my own.
[snow patrol]


God grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is.
Not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen.
[Reinhold Niebuhr]

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He will direct your paths.
[Proverbs 3: 5-6]

without a doubt...

...kids make me happy.

this is a major reason why i want to teach. but then i come across the dilemma of whether i want to teach them and to a certain degree be a disciplinarian or if i want to just love them and play with them and care for them.

today, i went to the park by our house to destress. i was swinging and journaling at the same time, sun beating down on my pasty-self. (i've lost my color...the snow made me albino!) and this little kid runs up to the swing right next to me. he starts swinging and smiling with these gorgeous light eyes and he keeps saying, "hi! hi!" and with every push he received from his mom and dad, he went higher and kept saying "hi!" he was so happy. he made me so happy.

and last week, friday was a day that warmed my heart. my kids warmed my heart. here's how:

two of my kindergartners were tattle-taling on each other - telling me each other's offenses. i really had it so i said, "girls, i don't like it when you tell on each other. it's not nice." but they persisted so i responded by saying, "ok give me your papers. we're not going to work today. you made me sad because you're being mean to each other." so the girls stopped and we did our own thing quietly. at the end of our time together, one of the little girls came up to me and said, "i'm sorry i've been upset with you." and hugged me.

i almost cried right then and there in the classroom.

round two of warming my heart happened when two of my kindergartner boys were talking about what they would do when they were grown-ups. here's how the dialogue went:

Famous: Blase is gonna race cars when he grows up.
Miss C: Oh really? What are you gona do?
Famous: I'm gonna play ball.
Miss C: Oh cool. You're gonna play ball?"
Famous: Yea. What are you gonna do when you grow up?
Miss C: I'm gonna teach, like your teacher.
Famous: That's all?

totally a moment from a Peanuts gang or Family Circus comic strip!

my final heart-warming moment happened off-campus at the post-office when i was waiting for erin to drop off her mail. a pre-school who lives across the street from the post-office came running towards the car. i reached my hand out so i could give her five or shake her hand. as she approached the car, she stopped by my window, kissed my pinky, and ran away.

in the words of little miss marie d., "that's sooooo preciooooous!!!!"

:)

these are the moments i'm really gonna miss when i leave montana. those kids break my heart with their smiles and enthusiasm. i don't love them enough. i need to love them more! and they have no idea how much they are shaping and forming my life as we speak.

God bless those little angels.

Hollywood Epiphany

Yesterday, I went to the library and saw this huge book on Humphrey Bogart. *sigh* This book has amazing photos - all black and white of a classic actor. As I was flipping through the pages, I came across this dialogue:

RICK: I'm saying it because it's true. It's inside of us, we both know you belong with Victor. You're part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

ILSA: But what about us?

RICK: We'll always have Paris. We didnt' have, we lost it until you came to Casablanca. We got it back last night.

ILSA: When I said I would never leave you.

RICK: And you never will. But I've got a job to do, too. Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be any part of. Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. Now, now... Here's looking at you kid.


Gotta love Casablanca. Upon reading this scene, there was something that struck a chord inside of me. Saying goodbye and leaving is probably one of my greatest fears, what I hate the most. Sometimes, you have to suck it up. And sometimes, you're stuck wallowing in your misery. I think most days, I'm in the latter.

But reading this scene from Casablanca somehow made me feel okay with it - with everything - rather than being so melancholy. Rick said it best when he said, "We'll always have Paris."

I'll always have...

bike rides in Berendo with Ate and playing with Snowball.
driving to preschool, elementary, and high school with Rach and co.
talent shows and mini-Carnivals and 8th grade plays at SBS.
the H.O.P.E. and liturgy clubs from NDA.
the high school dances and going through phases of raving, platform shoes, fun skirts.
the filming of our dramatic "The Last Piece" with my HS girls.
commuting between LA and Palmdale.
trips back home to the Philippines.
summers in Yuma and Everett with Mia and Joy.
the birth of Jeric.
Hanson concerts through middle school and high school.
the infectuous, giddy school-girl crushes.
hittin up Cherry Street with Fammafia.
crying and laughing and smiling and loving all because of Search.
partyin and chillin OA-ohana style.
the mischief and merriment of the RA world.
Vantage Park 312 (and the 5th Floor suite of homeboys).
fat nights and study nights with the girls.
dancing dancing dancing the night away with gross old-man Elvis wannabe in the background or getting make-up done by Ollie.
hearing "Hero" performed by my own Enrique Iglesias-es: Viet and Ashley.
crying with the girls over stupid boy drama.
going to the Mexican border and feeling so guilt-ridden.
bringing a picnic blanket to Championship Field and watching soccer games.
veggin and chillin, watching movies and sex and the city while sharing beverages with the girls+paul.
palanca. palanca. palanca. :)
planning meetings for our excursion to Ecuador.
week-end warm-ups and limo rides.
s'mores with tea lights and bbq sticks @ Madison Park.
summer days @ the Kirkland waterfront.
potlucks galore with fammafia.
walks to Pike Place and dates @ B&O.
flag football and rock climbing events.

...all of it.

We'll always have all of it. Here's looking at you kid.

how ironic.

WEDNESDAY: April 11, 2007

Your friends are even more important to you now and you want extra time to chat with them about a variety of interests. You might have a hard time keeping up with everything that you start in the weeks ahead. Between emails, phone calls and visits, there may not be much time left over for you. It's important to set boundaries and make room for quiet contemplation or you can get lost in your own noise.

delirium

"ohana means family. family means no one gets left behind or forgotten."

i've learned over the years that i don't like getting left behind. when i went to preschool, i had rachelle. when i went to st. brendan, i had ate and rachelle. entering high school, there was still ate and rachelle, among other friends...

when i entered college, i left. i didn't feel like i was getting left behind. i was moving forward.

when i graduated from college, i decided to leave seattle and cali. still, i wasn't being left behind. i continued to move forward.

after having two consecutive visitors in the land of montana, i feel the tinge and pain of being left behind. and it's not that ate or judy were leaving me behind. i just feel... lonely.

but what a blessing to have them experience my life here. as i listened to them talk about their experience of no man's land, the real-time boonies, "hicksville," i realized that i can never fully communicate the joys and challenges of being here - of being a JV - of being out in the middle of nowhere with family, friends, loved ones so many many many miles away.

now, ate and judy know. they've seen it firsthand. and it was a new perspective to hear it from them. and it hurts to know that they're gone now... and that i won't be seeing them for awhile. but at the same time, i have good things ahead of me - time to bond with the roommates, more letters to send, more emails to write, more phone calls to make, people miles away that i can continue to connect with, a trip to Seattle...

with every ounce of heartache, i grow stronger. perserverance and faith.

In a nutshell, I am...

...restless.
...constantly hungry.
...thankful.
...feeling inspired.
...sore.
...dehydrated.
...craving sweets.
...addicted to coffee. again.
...homesick.
...stressed.
...enlightened.
...confused.
...annoyed.
...happy.
...ashamed.
...getting sick.
...joyful.
...tired.
...finding God.
...deadtired.
...impatient.
...smiling.
...bored.
...missing you (the "royal" you).
...lost.
...uncertain.
...defensive.
...yearning to show some love.
...sorry.
...dancing.
...exhausted.
...static-y.
...pensive.
...inarticulate.
...almost indifferent.
...warm and cool in one.
...seeking reconcilation.
...growing within love.
...still tired.

why i smile every day

name: zepheniah
nickname: zephe
age: 5
grade: kindergarten
favorite superhero: spiderman
one of his pastimes: pretending to buck a bull

quotables:

"Can I go to the bathroom? I really have to go poo."

"Someone was already in the bathroom going poo."

"Miss Catalla, how do you spell your name?"

"Zephe, are you sharing the toys with the girls?" *smile* "My bad."

"I'm going to have a baby on February 7th."

i've decided i'm gonna take the kid home.

kids say the darnest things...

Every morning ritual school is the same. We get to school between 8-8:20 a.m. Say my usual "Good mornings" to teachers in the hallway and to Kay our supervisor. Then I unload my bag of crap filled with essentials - my planner, my sack-o-pencils, my journal, my Challenge and Living Faith prayer books (thanks Ate!), my novel (courtesy of Julie :) The Shadow in the Wind, some stationary (for letters to write when I have time to spare), whatever shoes I plan to wear for the day, my Bath and Body works lotion (courtesy of Paul!), my mini-scrapbook of quotes, and my trusty purple Nalgene filled with h2o.

Then, I fill it up with my school stuff - folders and papers, photocopies of phonics worksheets and alphabet and sight-word flashcards galore. Sometimes, my lip gloss gets lost in the mix. After packing the pack, I have 20 minutes to kill - usually checking the email or reading my prayer books or if I'm really ambitious - journaling.

It isn't until I walk into the classroom that the ritual is shifted by the things my kiddos say. Some days are nothing out of the ordinary: one kid's picking his nose and the girl next to him has snot coming down one nostril; another girl is commenting on my wearing a skirt and a boy is showing me his latest "boo-boo."

Then there are those special days when I'm short with the kids... And I constantly have to yell to get their attention or tell them they have to spend recess with me (dreadful, I know...).

And then --- there are the days when a student will come to my Center station, sit and diligently do her work and she'll ask, "Teacher, teacher - will you be a grandma when we have babies?"

heeheeheeheeheehee

I laughed, smiled, and said, "Yes, maybe I will... haha."

But her question made me think... I remember the students in middle school who have asked me, "Where's your husband?" "Have any kids?" "You're old, why aren't you married?" "Don't you want kids?" [My answers to these questions: a gentle smile and laugh --- God has a plan... hehe]

Their reality is far more different from mine. At the tender age of 16, some of these precious babies are having their own babies. By the time these newborns enter school, mommy or daddy is only 22, 24 years old... If not younger.

So when I thought about Nakola's question again, I started to wonder if any of my kindergarten kiddos would be poppin babies when they're 15-16 years old. That would be in approximately 10 years... That means I'd be in my early-mid 30s. [say whaaaa??! already?!] And I'll probably only be starting to have my own babies... which means I'd be giving birth at same time as some of my kiddos?

Wow. My head is spinning from thinking about all of that! And to think, it all began with such a simple question...

"Teacher, teacher will you be a grandma when we have babies?"

Runaway Run

In the movie Forest Gump, Forest decided that he felt like running. So he got up, left his home and ran. So did I.

Today, I had this urge to run. To run away from my house. To get away from my roommates. To leave behind the stories of my kiddos in school and youth group. To run away from Billings and the challenge of being here.

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands

Today, I had this urge to run. To run away from the pictures, letters, and emails from home. To temporarily let go of the memories of home – of Seattle, of Cali. To escape the pain of missing family and friends.

And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

So I left. I left my quirky south-side white house with blue trimmings, and I ran. I ran across the wet pavement with melting snow and slush hitting the bottom of my running shoes. I ran with the clothes on my back, holding my house keys and shoving my headphones in my ears. I ran. And I walked. Then I ran some more. And walked again.

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

I ran around our neighborhood to South Park and then I turned around and ran back. I had no destination, no idea of where I was going or what I wanted to do. I just felt like running. And as I ran, a pain started to increase in my chest. So I’d start walking. Then I decided, ”Ok, I’m ready to run.” But that pain would come back. So I ran and walked back and forth, with no destination in mind. And as Anna Nalick began singing “And breathe… just breathe” I thought, no matter how far I try to run or how much I want to escape my reality, my truth, my life, I can’t. Because the reality of whatever pain I am experiencing will follow me wherever I go. It’s a part of me.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Eventually, my run led me to another park and my ultimate destination ended up being the swings. Two swings. I sat down and looked into the sky where the sunset radiated beautiful orange and red tones. And I thought, it’s just me and God. Or at least, it has to be.

“In order for God to increase, we must decrease,” says Fanny my kindergarten teacher.

I started swinging, while my mp3 continued to blare out my favorites, and as Michelle Branch came on, I started singing. At the park. On the swings. By myself. Singing. In the southside of Billings, Montana.

As I was singing and swinging, I looked at the empty swing that sat next to me and I thought, “That one’s for You.”

So I'm a little left of center
I'm a little out of tune
Some say I'm paranormal
So I just bend their spoon
Who wants to be ordinary
In a crazy, mixed-up world
I don't care what they're sayin'
As long as I'm Your girl…

You get me
When nobody understands
You come and take the chance
’Cause You get me…

The world seemed to slow down at that moment. I looked up and saw the branches gently blowing with the breeze. I saw the color of the sun diminish and the moon start to appear. The wind got colder and I could feel my lips tingle from the cold air. I was suddenly aware of every sensation and movement around me. So I flew higher and higher on my swing.

Your love is extravagant.
Your friendship, it is intimate.
I feel like moving to the rhythms of your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place.

Your love is extravagant.
Spread wide in the arms of Christ
Is the love that covers sin.
No greater love have I ever known
You considered me a friend.
Capture my heart again.

The saying goes "Ignorance is bliss." Thomas Gray, I'm not sure where you were going with this. My thoughts? Ignorance can be pain.

When an adolescent looks at you and says, "I hate Chinese people," how are you supposed to react?

I'm not angry with him. I don't even hate him. I'd hug him right now if he were standing in front of me and smile too. The kid suffers from tourette syndrome and I have great sympathy for him; he doesn't know what he's saying...

But I am saddened and frustrated by the fact that racial discrimination is so prominent. That even I contribute to it every now and then. I was privileged and blessed enough to grow up in a large city where, despite the presence of racial discrimination, there was still a greater awareness and exposure to it. I could walk down a block and see someone who had "almond-shaped eyes" or who came from the continent of Asia. I could go to church, look around, and see a crowd of white, black, brown, yellow, red, blue, purple - you name it - people worshiping.

Now, it's a miracle if I see someone who looks even slightly like me. And I didn't realize this ethnic culture shock I was experiencing until this evening.

"I hate Chinese people." I'm frozen.

....

You don't understand. Don't try to justify or rationalize. Let me experience the hurt. Let me try to work through the tears. Let me seek wisdom and knowledge - forgiveness of my sins and those of others.