To my BOO and her BUBS

Sending my heart-felt CONGRATULATIONS

to the newly engaged

CARLA FRANCO & ERIC VANDER POL!

Carla, you'll always be my Boo! and BFF too!

Eric, you're an incredibly lucky guy.

May God bless you both as you embark

on this new journey in your relationship.

I love you with all my heart!

A kind mouth multiplies friends, and gracious lips prompt friendly greetings.

Let your acquaintances be many, but one in a thousand your confidante.

A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter; he who finds one finds a treasure.

A faithful friend is beyond price, no sum can balance her worth.

A faithful friend is a life-saving remedy, such as he who fears God finds;

For he who fears God behaves accordingly, and his friend will be like himself.

Sirach 6: 5-6, 14-17

ramblings... in twenty-four hours...

trust your gut. go with it. learn to listen. really listen. a fleece lining on you bed can really make you warmer - thanks mom (along with two blankets and a bed sheet, warm sweats, a long sleeve t-shirt & camisole, a hoodie, and warm warm warm socks). it's meant to be a challenge -- when God really wants you to find what you truly love, what you are truly passionate about. don't expect. it's not about you... or, it's not about me. the bible makes you think. duh. we were made for love. and we are worthy of God's love. prayer doesn't work just the night before...it's constant. grateful. very grateful. i miss...people. forgive - otherwise, you become bitter. the widow offered her whole livelihood. what's your whole livelihood? what's my whole livelihood?

Godspeed and God bless.

unconditionally. no fear. no expectations.

They genuinely loved. I had never felt so loved.
And they taught me how to love.
Unconditionally.
With no fear.
With no expectations.

Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is,
than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way.

What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything.
It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning,
what you will do with your evenings,
how you will spend your weekends, what you read, who you know,
what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.

Fall in love. Stay in love. And it will decide everything.

Fr. Pedro Arrupe, SJ

emo for 3:04

so thanks to francia, ate and i have been obsessed with the WICKED soundtrack. you know me and musicals - when i get obsessed, i get hooked. so hopefully, i'll find my job soon and once i take the family and my derrick out to celebrate, i'll save money to buy tickets for the fambam to see wonderful "Wicked!" :D song of the moment for the "unrequited lover" aka charlie brown and the emo in me:

Hands touch, eyes meet,
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl...

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl...

Every so often we long to steal
To the land of "What-Might-Have-Been"
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And heaven knows

I'm not that girl...

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl...

"I'm Not That Girl" performed by Elphaba in "Wicked"

This song made me tear up - on multiple occasions! It's poignant and honest. I'm planning to read the novel but from what Francia told us about the show and from the summaries/story plots I've read online, I really feel for Elphaba. This song is Charlie Brown-esque. *sigh* I have an affection for the underdogs. It's hopeful to know that in the end, they find their peace. Their happiness. Their love. :)

Sometimes those cheesy emails yield some wisdom.

No one falls in love by choice;
it is by chance.

No one stays in love by chance;
it is by work.

And no one falls out of love by chance;
it is by choice.

I've always been infatuated by the idea of love. As dearest Rachelle has said, I "fell in love with love" by the 4th grade when I had my first official crush. But I've always been so naive - I don't think I've ever understood it. My idea of love has been so glamorized --- by Hollywood, by novels, by the true-life romances of my friends and family. For me, love has been idealized. Loving a significant other meant constant warm fuzzies, loving a parent meant being held all the time, loving a friend meant sharing secrets each and every moment of the day - regardless of the hour.

But naive me has learned a thing or two about love. Love hurts. I'm not trying to sound melodramtic but freakin love - true, raw love hurts. I'm constantly learning that love involves more than warm fuzzies or physical contact or connections. Love involves a whole other dimension that involves experiencing fear, letting go, having blind faith, trusting the unknown, questioning your securities and insecurities, doing a self-evaluation...

I'm learning that love isn't one or the other. It's both. Beauty and pain.

I can't help it - I'm cheesy but I gained another valuable lesson about love when I was watching American Wedding on TV. Homeboy's dad asked Michelle, "Why is it called 'making love?' Because you have to work at it." No shit... You have to put forth effort in your familial, platonic, and romantic relationships to make love come forth. Since leaving home --- my Mama, Daddy, Ate, and hs galpals, going to college in a new place --- finding my homies, sisters, and brothers, moving to the boonies of Montana --- living with the girls and working with my kiddos, and returning back home --- finally being with my boyfriend, it's been a journey of growing pains and learning the reality of love in its truest form - beautiful yet painful, incredibly overwhelming and confusing, sometimes conditional or sometimes unconditional... But to know love, I have to make love - live it, manifest it, enbrace it, and recognize that I'm constantly in love - immersed and surrounded by it too.

At the root of it, "love is from God and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God...for God is love." 1 John 4: 7-8 Something I need to remind myself often...

"Loves bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things... Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13: 7-8

Love never fails.

I'm feeling pensive.

The past two days have been good bonding days with the fambam. With the Asong sisters reunited, it's a trip watching my mom with her sisters. I've laughed. I've farted. I've been quiet and observant. I've been overstimulated by all the going-ons. We spent yesterday catching up with mom's sister from pinas. Today, sister from wa flew down and it feels good to see them all together - for the first time in years... seeing their bond makes me so grateful for family but most especially for my sister-friend. (don't cry, ate hehe) it's an irreplaceable bond that no other relationship can fill. and when you meet a friend who can meet sister-status, that's pretty impressive. i'm grateful for those girls who have also reached sister-status.

nostalgia - i happen to come across my autobiography essay for my jvc application. i was so optimistic. such an idealist. i felt so firm in my convictions - in the words i wrote. and now, i'm at a loss for words. i'm impressed by how inspired and how inspired i was just a year and a half ago. how things can change... college was such an idealistic time where i felt like i could conquer the world. i felt invincible, i could go and serve people around the world, be a true "missionary" (as tita calls me hah!), maintain and gain old and new relationships with the people i encountered, continue to live in this idealistic bubble that i created in seattle. ah, but how it stings and how it changes when reality hits. growing pains... i feel like i've lost my fuel, my confidence, my passion. it's somewhere in me... but it has yet to be unmasked.

"searching for meaning can help you sustain what you already have." right on, horoscope.

good night and sweet dreams all. :)

This is why you should go to Derrick's Basketball Games...

You get a handy-dandy limited edition "Derrick Head" to cheer him on!


Loyal Fans, we can't get enough!

We're so excited, we have to take a bite outta him!

Check out the next game: this Thursday! or Sunday!

Contact 3D himself for game schedules and directions.

God bless...

"Twelve firefighters are trapped atop a ridge off Santiago Canyon Road in Orange County after flames jumped the road. The blaze roared up the hillside and prompted the crew members to deploy their fire shelters. They were surrounded by burning brush, but they made it out alive. 'We just remained calm, everyone did,' one firefighter said after he was checked out by paramedics. All of the firefighters were treated at the scene and did not want to go to the hospital." (Karen Tapia-Anderson / Los Angeles Times) October 22, 2007

Ventura Cross in the smoke from the fire.

(Submitted to YourScene By jcavola)
latimes.com

verbal throw-up.

"I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head, I'm juggling and my fears are on fire but I'm listening as it evolves in my head..." here goes...

ironic how "my fears on fire," there are fires going on all over southern California. i think about all the ish-nana that's overwhelming my day-to-day thoughts and then i wake up, see that every news station is covering the fires in malibu, canyon country, irvine, etc. etc. etc. and i think, "what the hell? you're sulking over that and people are losing their homes?"

each person's pain is their own, right? good ol' father rog.
this is the real world - this retreat... small tangent...

it's insane though. one week ago, 31 semi's crash in a tunnel and combust and the cause of it is slick roads due to rain. now, fires are blazin' everywhere and the winds are whippin' it around. mother nature is pretty upset right now...

a fascinating story from the fires - in agua dulce (on the way to p-dale), they released horses so they wouldn't die in the fires. and they all followed each other, in a straight line up into the mountains. it is said they should survive up there. when the conditions are safer, they'll be led back but should be able to return to their corrals on their own. cool huh?

thanks for texting and checking in, erin.

i don't know what path you're leading me towards Lord, but please guide me.

i'm doubting Thomas. i need to see it to believe it... my Lord and my God!

lausd's holding a job fair in csun this week. the resume is close to being ready. that means i have to bust out my white blouses, dressy pants, and heels. perhaps a padfolio. how profesh. i'm scared. i'm nervous. is this where i'm supposed to be? here goes nothing...

sometimes, it's hard being a girl. ouch.

sending prayers out to one of my dearest friends and the family. it hurts. but you're strong. you'll get through. we're here with you and for you.

i have a new friend. intro to come lates. :)

excited for halloween cuz the tita from the philippines is poppin' through. her first experience of halloween! i even asked mom to make me a cape since i don't know how to sew. oOoOoO

i hope sleeping becomes better and isn't so restless. i randomly woke up worried at 6:30 a.m. and later that morning right before i woke up and jumped outta bed, i was dreaming of christmas sugar cookies - decorated with pretty frosting and shiny accents. they looked really really delicious. my pillsbury pre-cut pumpkin sugar cookies were good enough tonight. yuuum.

so random.

i think that's all i have to spew --- for now.

how i love thee, charlie brown!

http://peanuts.com/comics/peanuts/archive/peanuts-20071017.html

this comic describes the past 2 months of sitting at home, jobless. my bitter days. my days of hardship and struggle. not really though. i haven't been bitter. it has been hard and i've struggled a bit. sitting at home, i'm beginning to feel restless. hopefully it will end soon :) here's to the jobhunt!

i've forgotten how much i love the peanuts gang. leave it to good ol' chuck to brighten my day. i always identified with charlie brown. most people loathed him or got annoyed with him because he was always so depressed. i thought he was endearing and all i wanted do was cheer up chuck. i'll always have a soft spot for him. i probably am most like lucy though. bossy. mean. self-centered. haha - at least my childhood persona. now, i'm like linus. i'm still with my baby blanket. too bad i don't come up with philosophies like he does. he's one wise kid. hahaha or sally. she's always love-struck when she sees linus - hearts flying everywhere. i wish hearts always flew around me when i walked around town.

i wish i knew where my peanuts gang holiday dvd set was. it's almost halloween and i won't be able to watch "it's the great pumpkin, charlie brown!" gaaaaah! what to do... what to do... rent it at the library! oh the things i learned being a JV last year :)

'twas a noteworthy weekend.

this weekend i:

used an umbrella for the first time in a long time in southern california.
got to hang out with best friend rachelle!
had a corona. yum.
ventured to topanga canyon mall and discovered a target within the mall.
played with the i-pod touch.
cradled the boy like a baby as he fell asleep.
had the best laugh with the sister & the boy all because of LRG.
wore my purple pigeons.
played cheerleader at the boys night bulldogs' games.
bonded with brenton.
ate yummy-yummy carne asada fries and cookie dough ice cream LOADED.
watched the seahawks lose. booooooooo.
performed the soundtrack of my life at the top of my lungs in the car.
came home and ate a huge dinner with the parentals.

ah yes. good weekend indeed. thank you, thank you. now back to reality...

to vent or not to vent.

venting. i use my blog to do it. when it's more intimate, i use my personal journal. but because i love people and i love my family and friends, i generally vent to them when i need an objective perspective. sometimes, i over-analyze problems that i can't even see what the problem is anymore until i share it with someone else.

and every time i vent, i always find a sense of peace from that objective person. i gain wisdom shared by that person and it can be overwhelming. i'm in awe because s/he has shared a piece of her/his life with me and my life gains more peace and i become more enlightened because s/he has offered her/his own life experience.

words are so significant. i think that's why i became an english major. in my letter of application for LIT, i remember writing that "through literature, i find reality - a reality i often cannot articulate for myself..." that i find life and meaning through literature... for me, venting - whether verbally or physically is a form of literature. so when i talk to my ate in person or share a phone convo with boo, or exchange emails with the girls, it's a form of literature and therefore, i gain greater life lessons and learn more about our realities.

why is this significant? because i was just blessed by the wisdom shared, by honest sentiments, and by questions to ponder. peace be with you.

the stars say...

Although the pace of your life seems to be settling down, you cannot escape the feeling that something isn't quite right. Instead of worrying about those things that cannot be changed, pay attention to taking care of yourself and those you love. Concentrating on circumstances within your sphere of influence will at least make you feel better for now.

September 28, 2007

I'm baffled by horoscopes every now and then. I dunno. A lot of people think they're legit. Other people think they're absurd. I kinda fall in the middle where I think, "Wow, what a coincidence." Or I think, "How ironic." This horoscope elicits a "Whoa, that sounds familiar" type of reaction. Trying to escape something that isn't quite right... Worrying about things that cannot be changed... Well, the stars are reading true. Lately, I've been trying to figure out what's "wrong," the something that doesn't feel "right," but I can't pinpoint it. There's something inside that doesn't feel right and I can't get a grip on it. It's frustrating. But I guess it's a circumstance where I can analyze it til my brain fries or I can "Let go and Let God." I really need to do the later.

What does your horoscope say?

Be glad about... [the] trials you suffer. Their purpose is to prove that your faith is genuine. Even gold...is tested by fire; and so your faith...must also be tested, so that it may endure." - 1 Peter 1:6-7

poetry on the couch.

it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees.

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here.

oh the therapy of music and a teardrop. God bless it!

looking through a different lens.

I've been reading this book entitled, The Way of the Warrior - Stories of the Crow People. It was written and edited by people of Crow origin and they do a pretty good job explaining different aspects of the Crow culture. Living in Montana, I heard first-hand accounts and significant aspects of their culture. It was humbling to hear stories from women and men who were raised on the reservation and who have carried on traditions. As I was reading, one part of the Crow values offered a different perspective on relationships.

"A good man was the core, life, and strength of the tribe... Good men did not cherish material things or lasting relationships. As the traditional saying goes, 'Nothing is forever, only the sky and earth are forever. Glory endures.' Hence, good men were not jealous or possessive of wives, family, or earthly things. Men who left wives or 'threw them away' were often performing prestigious acts. They demonstrated how little they cared for temporal attachments. 'Throwing away' a spouse (it could be done by either sex but was more frequent among men) acknowledged that one was so conscious of this principle that he or she would give up everything, even what was most dear. The act also illustrated the generosity of the individual, as he or she would most likely be giving away a prized 'good woman' or 'good man.'"

Crow values are very sacred, values that I admire. But I had trouble understanding this when I first read it. I guess it's because I have a different perspective on relationships. I think this stance offers one that is similar to Buddhist teachings - one that emphasizes the process of letting go of earthly things - including relationships. I've never been good at that.

I couldn't imagine leaving relationships or "throwing away" a person as a means to give something up. In that sense, I could never be a "good woman" in Crow standards. I'm too selfish. I hold on too much to the people I love and cherish. I guess that's always been my blessing and my curse though: I get too attached to people so that when I have to say goodbye or the relationship changes, I freak out. My ultimate weakness... I guess the danger in that is that of jealousy and possessiveness.

But the Crow and Buddhist perspectives are right. Nothing lasts forever. And there's a healthy way of learning to let go. I'm just too stubborn to do so. :) So I'll keep holding on. Hopefully, I won't suffocate my relationships. And the process of loosening my grip will overcome the danger of jealousy and possessiveness.

With that said, I miss you.

Drinking From My Saucer

I've never made a fortune,
and it's probably too late now.
But I don't worry about that much,
I'm happy anyhow.

And as I go along life's way,
I'm reaping better than I sowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer
'cause my cup has overflowed.

I don't have a lot of riches,
and sometimes the going's tough.
But I've got loved ones all around me,
and that makes me rich enough.

I thank God for His blessings
and the mercies He's bestowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer
'cause my cup has overflowed.

I remember times when things went wrong,
My faith wore somewhat thin.
But all at once the dark clouds broke,
and the sun peeped through again.

So Lord, help me not to gripe
about the tough rows I have hoed.
I'm drinking from my saucer
'cause my cup has overflowed.

If God gives me strength and courage
when the way grows steep and rough,
I'll not ask for other blessings,
I'm already blessed enough.

And may I never be too busy,
To help others bear their loads.
Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer
'Cause my cup has overflowed.

- John Paul Moore -

Rip, Tear, Rummage

It's been practically a month since I've moved back home, and I'm still unpacking...

I shipped home seven boxes of "media mail" filled with pictures, scrapbook material, art projects, paints, paper, decorations, teaching supplies, old letters and post cards.

Opening each box brings back memories of Montana. And I don't know if I necessarily want to unpack these boxes. :/ Odd. Mostly it's because I'm overwhelmed by the amount of crap I have (dangit for being a sentimentalist! and a pack-rat!) but also because it reminds me so much of Montana - where I kept this stash of scrapbook crap, where this picture hung, when I made this drum, when so-and-so sent me this letter or that package...

I miss it and yet I don't. I can't manage to reconcile my feelings about Montana. And it almost seems to be packed away in these boxes. Unpacking them slowly... Absorbing the memories - the good and the bad.

I was just thinking...

...did you ever notice how many "F" words there are that describe something insincere?

Fake
Front
Facade
False
Fraud
Fabricated
Forgery

Some food for thought. Add your own. That's all.

they say patience is a virtue.

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are, quite naturally, impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way
to something unknown,
something new.
And yet it is the law of all progress that it is made
by passing through some stages of instability,
and that it may take a very long time.

And so, I think, it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually. Let them grow.
Let them shape themselves without undue haste.
Don't try to force them on as though you could be today what time
- that is to say - grace
and circumstances
acting on your own good will
will make you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.

Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.
Above all, trust in the slow work of God,
our loving vine-dresser.

-Pierre Teilhard de Chardin -