This is why you should go to Derrick's Basketball Games...

You get a handy-dandy limited edition "Derrick Head" to cheer him on!


Loyal Fans, we can't get enough!

We're so excited, we have to take a bite outta him!

Check out the next game: this Thursday! or Sunday!

Contact 3D himself for game schedules and directions.

God bless...

"Twelve firefighters are trapped atop a ridge off Santiago Canyon Road in Orange County after flames jumped the road. The blaze roared up the hillside and prompted the crew members to deploy their fire shelters. They were surrounded by burning brush, but they made it out alive. 'We just remained calm, everyone did,' one firefighter said after he was checked out by paramedics. All of the firefighters were treated at the scene and did not want to go to the hospital." (Karen Tapia-Anderson / Los Angeles Times) October 22, 2007

Ventura Cross in the smoke from the fire.

(Submitted to YourScene By jcavola)
latimes.com

verbal throw-up.

"I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head, I'm juggling and my fears are on fire but I'm listening as it evolves in my head..." here goes...

ironic how "my fears on fire," there are fires going on all over southern California. i think about all the ish-nana that's overwhelming my day-to-day thoughts and then i wake up, see that every news station is covering the fires in malibu, canyon country, irvine, etc. etc. etc. and i think, "what the hell? you're sulking over that and people are losing their homes?"

each person's pain is their own, right? good ol' father rog.
this is the real world - this retreat... small tangent...

it's insane though. one week ago, 31 semi's crash in a tunnel and combust and the cause of it is slick roads due to rain. now, fires are blazin' everywhere and the winds are whippin' it around. mother nature is pretty upset right now...

a fascinating story from the fires - in agua dulce (on the way to p-dale), they released horses so they wouldn't die in the fires. and they all followed each other, in a straight line up into the mountains. it is said they should survive up there. when the conditions are safer, they'll be led back but should be able to return to their corrals on their own. cool huh?

thanks for texting and checking in, erin.

i don't know what path you're leading me towards Lord, but please guide me.

i'm doubting Thomas. i need to see it to believe it... my Lord and my God!

lausd's holding a job fair in csun this week. the resume is close to being ready. that means i have to bust out my white blouses, dressy pants, and heels. perhaps a padfolio. how profesh. i'm scared. i'm nervous. is this where i'm supposed to be? here goes nothing...

sometimes, it's hard being a girl. ouch.

sending prayers out to one of my dearest friends and the family. it hurts. but you're strong. you'll get through. we're here with you and for you.

i have a new friend. intro to come lates. :)

excited for halloween cuz the tita from the philippines is poppin' through. her first experience of halloween! i even asked mom to make me a cape since i don't know how to sew. oOoOoO

i hope sleeping becomes better and isn't so restless. i randomly woke up worried at 6:30 a.m. and later that morning right before i woke up and jumped outta bed, i was dreaming of christmas sugar cookies - decorated with pretty frosting and shiny accents. they looked really really delicious. my pillsbury pre-cut pumpkin sugar cookies were good enough tonight. yuuum.

so random.

i think that's all i have to spew --- for now.

how i love thee, charlie brown!

http://peanuts.com/comics/peanuts/archive/peanuts-20071017.html

this comic describes the past 2 months of sitting at home, jobless. my bitter days. my days of hardship and struggle. not really though. i haven't been bitter. it has been hard and i've struggled a bit. sitting at home, i'm beginning to feel restless. hopefully it will end soon :) here's to the jobhunt!

i've forgotten how much i love the peanuts gang. leave it to good ol' chuck to brighten my day. i always identified with charlie brown. most people loathed him or got annoyed with him because he was always so depressed. i thought he was endearing and all i wanted do was cheer up chuck. i'll always have a soft spot for him. i probably am most like lucy though. bossy. mean. self-centered. haha - at least my childhood persona. now, i'm like linus. i'm still with my baby blanket. too bad i don't come up with philosophies like he does. he's one wise kid. hahaha or sally. she's always love-struck when she sees linus - hearts flying everywhere. i wish hearts always flew around me when i walked around town.

i wish i knew where my peanuts gang holiday dvd set was. it's almost halloween and i won't be able to watch "it's the great pumpkin, charlie brown!" gaaaaah! what to do... what to do... rent it at the library! oh the things i learned being a JV last year :)

'twas a noteworthy weekend.

this weekend i:

used an umbrella for the first time in a long time in southern california.
got to hang out with best friend rachelle!
had a corona. yum.
ventured to topanga canyon mall and discovered a target within the mall.
played with the i-pod touch.
cradled the boy like a baby as he fell asleep.
had the best laugh with the sister & the boy all because of LRG.
wore my purple pigeons.
played cheerleader at the boys night bulldogs' games.
bonded with brenton.
ate yummy-yummy carne asada fries and cookie dough ice cream LOADED.
watched the seahawks lose. booooooooo.
performed the soundtrack of my life at the top of my lungs in the car.
came home and ate a huge dinner with the parentals.

ah yes. good weekend indeed. thank you, thank you. now back to reality...

to vent or not to vent.

venting. i use my blog to do it. when it's more intimate, i use my personal journal. but because i love people and i love my family and friends, i generally vent to them when i need an objective perspective. sometimes, i over-analyze problems that i can't even see what the problem is anymore until i share it with someone else.

and every time i vent, i always find a sense of peace from that objective person. i gain wisdom shared by that person and it can be overwhelming. i'm in awe because s/he has shared a piece of her/his life with me and my life gains more peace and i become more enlightened because s/he has offered her/his own life experience.

words are so significant. i think that's why i became an english major. in my letter of application for LIT, i remember writing that "through literature, i find reality - a reality i often cannot articulate for myself..." that i find life and meaning through literature... for me, venting - whether verbally or physically is a form of literature. so when i talk to my ate in person or share a phone convo with boo, or exchange emails with the girls, it's a form of literature and therefore, i gain greater life lessons and learn more about our realities.

why is this significant? because i was just blessed by the wisdom shared, by honest sentiments, and by questions to ponder. peace be with you.

the stars say...

Although the pace of your life seems to be settling down, you cannot escape the feeling that something isn't quite right. Instead of worrying about those things that cannot be changed, pay attention to taking care of yourself and those you love. Concentrating on circumstances within your sphere of influence will at least make you feel better for now.

September 28, 2007

I'm baffled by horoscopes every now and then. I dunno. A lot of people think they're legit. Other people think they're absurd. I kinda fall in the middle where I think, "Wow, what a coincidence." Or I think, "How ironic." This horoscope elicits a "Whoa, that sounds familiar" type of reaction. Trying to escape something that isn't quite right... Worrying about things that cannot be changed... Well, the stars are reading true. Lately, I've been trying to figure out what's "wrong," the something that doesn't feel "right," but I can't pinpoint it. There's something inside that doesn't feel right and I can't get a grip on it. It's frustrating. But I guess it's a circumstance where I can analyze it til my brain fries or I can "Let go and Let God." I really need to do the later.

What does your horoscope say?

Be glad about... [the] trials you suffer. Their purpose is to prove that your faith is genuine. Even gold...is tested by fire; and so your faith...must also be tested, so that it may endure." - 1 Peter 1:6-7

poetry on the couch.

it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees.

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here.

oh the therapy of music and a teardrop. God bless it!

looking through a different lens.

I've been reading this book entitled, The Way of the Warrior - Stories of the Crow People. It was written and edited by people of Crow origin and they do a pretty good job explaining different aspects of the Crow culture. Living in Montana, I heard first-hand accounts and significant aspects of their culture. It was humbling to hear stories from women and men who were raised on the reservation and who have carried on traditions. As I was reading, one part of the Crow values offered a different perspective on relationships.

"A good man was the core, life, and strength of the tribe... Good men did not cherish material things or lasting relationships. As the traditional saying goes, 'Nothing is forever, only the sky and earth are forever. Glory endures.' Hence, good men were not jealous or possessive of wives, family, or earthly things. Men who left wives or 'threw them away' were often performing prestigious acts. They demonstrated how little they cared for temporal attachments. 'Throwing away' a spouse (it could be done by either sex but was more frequent among men) acknowledged that one was so conscious of this principle that he or she would give up everything, even what was most dear. The act also illustrated the generosity of the individual, as he or she would most likely be giving away a prized 'good woman' or 'good man.'"

Crow values are very sacred, values that I admire. But I had trouble understanding this when I first read it. I guess it's because I have a different perspective on relationships. I think this stance offers one that is similar to Buddhist teachings - one that emphasizes the process of letting go of earthly things - including relationships. I've never been good at that.

I couldn't imagine leaving relationships or "throwing away" a person as a means to give something up. In that sense, I could never be a "good woman" in Crow standards. I'm too selfish. I hold on too much to the people I love and cherish. I guess that's always been my blessing and my curse though: I get too attached to people so that when I have to say goodbye or the relationship changes, I freak out. My ultimate weakness... I guess the danger in that is that of jealousy and possessiveness.

But the Crow and Buddhist perspectives are right. Nothing lasts forever. And there's a healthy way of learning to let go. I'm just too stubborn to do so. :) So I'll keep holding on. Hopefully, I won't suffocate my relationships. And the process of loosening my grip will overcome the danger of jealousy and possessiveness.

With that said, I miss you.

Drinking From My Saucer

I've never made a fortune,
and it's probably too late now.
But I don't worry about that much,
I'm happy anyhow.

And as I go along life's way,
I'm reaping better than I sowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer
'cause my cup has overflowed.

I don't have a lot of riches,
and sometimes the going's tough.
But I've got loved ones all around me,
and that makes me rich enough.

I thank God for His blessings
and the mercies He's bestowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer
'cause my cup has overflowed.

I remember times when things went wrong,
My faith wore somewhat thin.
But all at once the dark clouds broke,
and the sun peeped through again.

So Lord, help me not to gripe
about the tough rows I have hoed.
I'm drinking from my saucer
'cause my cup has overflowed.

If God gives me strength and courage
when the way grows steep and rough,
I'll not ask for other blessings,
I'm already blessed enough.

And may I never be too busy,
To help others bear their loads.
Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer
'Cause my cup has overflowed.

- John Paul Moore -

Rip, Tear, Rummage

It's been practically a month since I've moved back home, and I'm still unpacking...

I shipped home seven boxes of "media mail" filled with pictures, scrapbook material, art projects, paints, paper, decorations, teaching supplies, old letters and post cards.

Opening each box brings back memories of Montana. And I don't know if I necessarily want to unpack these boxes. :/ Odd. Mostly it's because I'm overwhelmed by the amount of crap I have (dangit for being a sentimentalist! and a pack-rat!) but also because it reminds me so much of Montana - where I kept this stash of scrapbook crap, where this picture hung, when I made this drum, when so-and-so sent me this letter or that package...

I miss it and yet I don't. I can't manage to reconcile my feelings about Montana. And it almost seems to be packed away in these boxes. Unpacking them slowly... Absorbing the memories - the good and the bad.

I was just thinking...

...did you ever notice how many "F" words there are that describe something insincere?

Fake
Front
Facade
False
Fraud
Fabricated
Forgery

Some food for thought. Add your own. That's all.

they say patience is a virtue.

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are, quite naturally, impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way
to something unknown,
something new.
And yet it is the law of all progress that it is made
by passing through some stages of instability,
and that it may take a very long time.

And so, I think, it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually. Let them grow.
Let them shape themselves without undue haste.
Don't try to force them on as though you could be today what time
- that is to say - grace
and circumstances
acting on your own good will
will make you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.

Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.
Above all, trust in the slow work of God,
our loving vine-dresser.

-Pierre Teilhard de Chardin -

wisdom.

"you're not screwed. you're blessed."

"We ride the same emotional wavelength. When we feel we feel every emotion to the fullest."

"keep the faith."

words words words

i keep wishing i'll have more eloquent thoughts to post. but i'm at a loss. or maybe it's just that i've lost my fuel for writing. for articulating myself. for conveying my thoughts.

i looked back on my lj that i started way back in the day. i never write in it. and i used to write some meaningful stuff in it. i look here and i see that i've barely written. spoken any words.

where did my words go?

and it's not that there's nothing to write about or share. plenty has happened in the past year...

i lived in the middle of nowhere... i worked on an indian reservation... i was close to poverty... i had to say goodbye to long friendships... and said hello to new ones... i faced blatant racism for the first time in my life... i experienced the bluntness of my students... i learned that teaching is a hard profession... i fell for someone, someone amazing... i was terribly, terribly homesick... i visited my life-long friends in seattle... and watched like a proud parent as half of them walked across qwest field and graduated... i spent quality time with my babies - jeric and janet... i found a new-life long friend in an old soul who wears a pink bandana... i was challenged by old ghosts... i was forced to look into the mirror and confront the reality of it... i've been falling off my spiritual path and desperately trying to seek my faith... by some miracle, someone actually fell for me... i was challenged to seek justice in my daily life... i led the life of a country bumpkin... i'm debating my future - where my passion lies... i spent six months away from my parents - the longest time i've ever spent away from them... i failed, in one way or another... or another... i was confronted with humilty and my eyes were opened to different parts of life... i met the parentals... i didn't get to say goodbye to some life-long friends... i saw RENT... and fell in love with it all over again... i've been distant from many of my life-long friends... i didn't feel like i was at home for a year... i hurt people and couldn't bring myself to apologize sincerely... i tried to "give myself to love..." i think my eyes were more dehydrated this year than ever - i didn't cry nearly as much as i did when i was in seattle... i've experienced "that thing - that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time...." i became addicted to movies and coffee... i was and always will be u.g.l.y... i danced at a bar where hip hop music and country two-step were interchangable... i wrestled a calf... i received bouquets of roses for my birthday and oversized sweatshirts to keep me warm in the winter... i sat naked in a crow indian sweat lodge.... i stood on top of the deep abyss and screamed at the top of my lungs... i ate breakfast to blue-grass music... i drove to butte for the biggest st. patrick's day party... i learned to be more honest with others and myself... i sought my jvc love story... and i was ruined for life....


and with all of that, i can't manage to produce a meaningful post. or at least one that i think is thoughtful or thought-provoking. i'm lost. i'm lost with my words. that's a damn shame. in the words of aunt voula from my big fat greek wedding, "o woe to me." haha

well with the words i do have...

i'm back home... i'm actually missing big sky country... i'm missing my coffee dates with the pink bandana... i'm missing the sights and sounds of pike place market, b&o, cupcake royale, and the space needle... i need to see my nda girls... i can actually go on real dates now with my babe... without being separated by 1241 miles or 18 hours of driving or 5 hours of flying... i can eat good food filled with carbs made by mommy dearest... i can be lovingly tortured by the sister-friend... i can pray with daddy and mama mary and the santo nino... i can have a bigger room that isn't infested with spiders... only ants - sometimes... i can count of family reunions to come along... i'm still missing some life-long friends... i miss my purple car from the rez... i miss my kiddos... i miss the big sky... i'm jobless... and i don't know what i want to do... yet... i'm awkward... i'm still tired... i'm in a different kind of provincial country - p-dale country... i'm still not done with harry potter and the deathly hallows... i'm trying to clean out my disastrous room filled with letters dating as far back as 1992 and hanson posters galore... i'm glad to be home...

so that's all i got for my words.

upside down

this week has been up up up and down down down down down... i didn't think leaving would have this much of an impact on me, and yet i'm going through all of this.

i'm happy one minute.
i'm sad the next.
then i'm thankful.
most times, i'm frustrated.
i get easily irritated.
i have no patience.

but underneath all that irritation and frustration - anger - whatever you wanna call it, i think is fear.

fear of leaving.
fear of going home.
fear of going back to a place that hasn't really been my home in five years.
fear of knowing i won't be going back to seattle.
fear of changing relationships.
fear of even losing relationships.
fear of becoming someone i don't wanna become.
fear of the unknown.
fear of grad school and my future career.
fear of popping my protective bubble... and jumping into another one.
fear of growing up.
fear of losing my spiritual life.
fear of love.
fear of losing passion for life.
fear of failing.
fear of hurting people i love.
fear of not taking chances.
fear of forgetting any knowledge i've gained.
fear of change.
fear of losing myself.

trust.faith.hope.love.

Godspeed.

none.

i'm...

so...

lost...

one week of big sky country.

le sigh.

25 days and counting... hehe

*shrug* i don't know.

breaking down
in this strange town...

i wanna cry.
i must try

not to succumb;
just feel numb

for now...
where art Thou?

"who am i?"
i constantly sigh.

i'm tired.
i am tired.

but onward Christian soldier.

go on and on and on.

things will be okay.
taking things day by day.

seeing Christ in the light.
praying with all my might.

pray pray pray.
each night and each day.


...thank you. you and you. and You. <3