the stars say...

Although the pace of your life seems to be settling down, you cannot escape the feeling that something isn't quite right. Instead of worrying about those things that cannot be changed, pay attention to taking care of yourself and those you love. Concentrating on circumstances within your sphere of influence will at least make you feel better for now.

September 28, 2007

I'm baffled by horoscopes every now and then. I dunno. A lot of people think they're legit. Other people think they're absurd. I kinda fall in the middle where I think, "Wow, what a coincidence." Or I think, "How ironic." This horoscope elicits a "Whoa, that sounds familiar" type of reaction. Trying to escape something that isn't quite right... Worrying about things that cannot be changed... Well, the stars are reading true. Lately, I've been trying to figure out what's "wrong," the something that doesn't feel "right," but I can't pinpoint it. There's something inside that doesn't feel right and I can't get a grip on it. It's frustrating. But I guess it's a circumstance where I can analyze it til my brain fries or I can "Let go and Let God." I really need to do the later.

What does your horoscope say?

Be glad about... [the] trials you suffer. Their purpose is to prove that your faith is genuine. Even gold...is tested by fire; and so your faith...must also be tested, so that it may endure." - 1 Peter 1:6-7

poetry on the couch.

it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees.

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here.

oh the therapy of music and a teardrop. God bless it!

looking through a different lens.

I've been reading this book entitled, The Way of the Warrior - Stories of the Crow People. It was written and edited by people of Crow origin and they do a pretty good job explaining different aspects of the Crow culture. Living in Montana, I heard first-hand accounts and significant aspects of their culture. It was humbling to hear stories from women and men who were raised on the reservation and who have carried on traditions. As I was reading, one part of the Crow values offered a different perspective on relationships.

"A good man was the core, life, and strength of the tribe... Good men did not cherish material things or lasting relationships. As the traditional saying goes, 'Nothing is forever, only the sky and earth are forever. Glory endures.' Hence, good men were not jealous or possessive of wives, family, or earthly things. Men who left wives or 'threw them away' were often performing prestigious acts. They demonstrated how little they cared for temporal attachments. 'Throwing away' a spouse (it could be done by either sex but was more frequent among men) acknowledged that one was so conscious of this principle that he or she would give up everything, even what was most dear. The act also illustrated the generosity of the individual, as he or she would most likely be giving away a prized 'good woman' or 'good man.'"

Crow values are very sacred, values that I admire. But I had trouble understanding this when I first read it. I guess it's because I have a different perspective on relationships. I think this stance offers one that is similar to Buddhist teachings - one that emphasizes the process of letting go of earthly things - including relationships. I've never been good at that.

I couldn't imagine leaving relationships or "throwing away" a person as a means to give something up. In that sense, I could never be a "good woman" in Crow standards. I'm too selfish. I hold on too much to the people I love and cherish. I guess that's always been my blessing and my curse though: I get too attached to people so that when I have to say goodbye or the relationship changes, I freak out. My ultimate weakness... I guess the danger in that is that of jealousy and possessiveness.

But the Crow and Buddhist perspectives are right. Nothing lasts forever. And there's a healthy way of learning to let go. I'm just too stubborn to do so. :) So I'll keep holding on. Hopefully, I won't suffocate my relationships. And the process of loosening my grip will overcome the danger of jealousy and possessiveness.

With that said, I miss you.

Drinking From My Saucer

I've never made a fortune,
and it's probably too late now.
But I don't worry about that much,
I'm happy anyhow.

And as I go along life's way,
I'm reaping better than I sowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer
'cause my cup has overflowed.

I don't have a lot of riches,
and sometimes the going's tough.
But I've got loved ones all around me,
and that makes me rich enough.

I thank God for His blessings
and the mercies He's bestowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer
'cause my cup has overflowed.

I remember times when things went wrong,
My faith wore somewhat thin.
But all at once the dark clouds broke,
and the sun peeped through again.

So Lord, help me not to gripe
about the tough rows I have hoed.
I'm drinking from my saucer
'cause my cup has overflowed.

If God gives me strength and courage
when the way grows steep and rough,
I'll not ask for other blessings,
I'm already blessed enough.

And may I never be too busy,
To help others bear their loads.
Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer
'Cause my cup has overflowed.

- John Paul Moore -

Rip, Tear, Rummage

It's been practically a month since I've moved back home, and I'm still unpacking...

I shipped home seven boxes of "media mail" filled with pictures, scrapbook material, art projects, paints, paper, decorations, teaching supplies, old letters and post cards.

Opening each box brings back memories of Montana. And I don't know if I necessarily want to unpack these boxes. :/ Odd. Mostly it's because I'm overwhelmed by the amount of crap I have (dangit for being a sentimentalist! and a pack-rat!) but also because it reminds me so much of Montana - where I kept this stash of scrapbook crap, where this picture hung, when I made this drum, when so-and-so sent me this letter or that package...

I miss it and yet I don't. I can't manage to reconcile my feelings about Montana. And it almost seems to be packed away in these boxes. Unpacking them slowly... Absorbing the memories - the good and the bad.

I was just thinking...

...did you ever notice how many "F" words there are that describe something insincere?

Fake
Front
Facade
False
Fraud
Fabricated
Forgery

Some food for thought. Add your own. That's all.

they say patience is a virtue.

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are, quite naturally, impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way
to something unknown,
something new.
And yet it is the law of all progress that it is made
by passing through some stages of instability,
and that it may take a very long time.

And so, I think, it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually. Let them grow.
Let them shape themselves without undue haste.
Don't try to force them on as though you could be today what time
- that is to say - grace
and circumstances
acting on your own good will
will make you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.

Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.
Above all, trust in the slow work of God,
our loving vine-dresser.

-Pierre Teilhard de Chardin -

wisdom.

"you're not screwed. you're blessed."

"We ride the same emotional wavelength. When we feel we feel every emotion to the fullest."

"keep the faith."

words words words

i keep wishing i'll have more eloquent thoughts to post. but i'm at a loss. or maybe it's just that i've lost my fuel for writing. for articulating myself. for conveying my thoughts.

i looked back on my lj that i started way back in the day. i never write in it. and i used to write some meaningful stuff in it. i look here and i see that i've barely written. spoken any words.

where did my words go?

and it's not that there's nothing to write about or share. plenty has happened in the past year...

i lived in the middle of nowhere... i worked on an indian reservation... i was close to poverty... i had to say goodbye to long friendships... and said hello to new ones... i faced blatant racism for the first time in my life... i experienced the bluntness of my students... i learned that teaching is a hard profession... i fell for someone, someone amazing... i was terribly, terribly homesick... i visited my life-long friends in seattle... and watched like a proud parent as half of them walked across qwest field and graduated... i spent quality time with my babies - jeric and janet... i found a new-life long friend in an old soul who wears a pink bandana... i was challenged by old ghosts... i was forced to look into the mirror and confront the reality of it... i've been falling off my spiritual path and desperately trying to seek my faith... by some miracle, someone actually fell for me... i was challenged to seek justice in my daily life... i led the life of a country bumpkin... i'm debating my future - where my passion lies... i spent six months away from my parents - the longest time i've ever spent away from them... i failed, in one way or another... or another... i was confronted with humilty and my eyes were opened to different parts of life... i met the parentals... i didn't get to say goodbye to some life-long friends... i saw RENT... and fell in love with it all over again... i've been distant from many of my life-long friends... i didn't feel like i was at home for a year... i hurt people and couldn't bring myself to apologize sincerely... i tried to "give myself to love..." i think my eyes were more dehydrated this year than ever - i didn't cry nearly as much as i did when i was in seattle... i've experienced "that thing - that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time...." i became addicted to movies and coffee... i was and always will be u.g.l.y... i danced at a bar where hip hop music and country two-step were interchangable... i wrestled a calf... i received bouquets of roses for my birthday and oversized sweatshirts to keep me warm in the winter... i sat naked in a crow indian sweat lodge.... i stood on top of the deep abyss and screamed at the top of my lungs... i ate breakfast to blue-grass music... i drove to butte for the biggest st. patrick's day party... i learned to be more honest with others and myself... i sought my jvc love story... and i was ruined for life....


and with all of that, i can't manage to produce a meaningful post. or at least one that i think is thoughtful or thought-provoking. i'm lost. i'm lost with my words. that's a damn shame. in the words of aunt voula from my big fat greek wedding, "o woe to me." haha

well with the words i do have...

i'm back home... i'm actually missing big sky country... i'm missing my coffee dates with the pink bandana... i'm missing the sights and sounds of pike place market, b&o, cupcake royale, and the space needle... i need to see my nda girls... i can actually go on real dates now with my babe... without being separated by 1241 miles or 18 hours of driving or 5 hours of flying... i can eat good food filled with carbs made by mommy dearest... i can be lovingly tortured by the sister-friend... i can pray with daddy and mama mary and the santo nino... i can have a bigger room that isn't infested with spiders... only ants - sometimes... i can count of family reunions to come along... i'm still missing some life-long friends... i miss my purple car from the rez... i miss my kiddos... i miss the big sky... i'm jobless... and i don't know what i want to do... yet... i'm awkward... i'm still tired... i'm in a different kind of provincial country - p-dale country... i'm still not done with harry potter and the deathly hallows... i'm trying to clean out my disastrous room filled with letters dating as far back as 1992 and hanson posters galore... i'm glad to be home...

so that's all i got for my words.

upside down

this week has been up up up and down down down down down... i didn't think leaving would have this much of an impact on me, and yet i'm going through all of this.

i'm happy one minute.
i'm sad the next.
then i'm thankful.
most times, i'm frustrated.
i get easily irritated.
i have no patience.

but underneath all that irritation and frustration - anger - whatever you wanna call it, i think is fear.

fear of leaving.
fear of going home.
fear of going back to a place that hasn't really been my home in five years.
fear of knowing i won't be going back to seattle.
fear of changing relationships.
fear of even losing relationships.
fear of becoming someone i don't wanna become.
fear of the unknown.
fear of grad school and my future career.
fear of popping my protective bubble... and jumping into another one.
fear of growing up.
fear of losing my spiritual life.
fear of love.
fear of losing passion for life.
fear of failing.
fear of hurting people i love.
fear of not taking chances.
fear of forgetting any knowledge i've gained.
fear of change.
fear of losing myself.

trust.faith.hope.love.

Godspeed.

none.

i'm...

so...

lost...

one week of big sky country.

le sigh.

25 days and counting... hehe

*shrug* i don't know.

breaking down
in this strange town...

i wanna cry.
i must try

not to succumb;
just feel numb

for now...
where art Thou?

"who am i?"
i constantly sigh.

i'm tired.
i am tired.

but onward Christian soldier.

go on and on and on.

things will be okay.
taking things day by day.

seeing Christ in the light.
praying with all my might.

pray pray pray.
each night and each day.


...thank you. you and you. and You. <3

blogging...

i've been on hiatus. brb

just for your information...

...i have a mild traumatic brain injury.

translation: i have a swollen face and a headache on the left side of my face.

so much for learning how to swing dance after youth group. i end up on the grass, with my face on the ground, bruises on my knees and my face, and numbing sensation on the left side of my face and a pressure-headache on the left part of my head.

brilliant, i'm a genius! ouch.

chat with the moon.

I need your grace to remind me to find my own.
[snow patrol]


God grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is.
Not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen.
[Reinhold Niebuhr]

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He will direct your paths.
[Proverbs 3: 5-6]

without a doubt...

...kids make me happy.

this is a major reason why i want to teach. but then i come across the dilemma of whether i want to teach them and to a certain degree be a disciplinarian or if i want to just love them and play with them and care for them.

today, i went to the park by our house to destress. i was swinging and journaling at the same time, sun beating down on my pasty-self. (i've lost my color...the snow made me albino!) and this little kid runs up to the swing right next to me. he starts swinging and smiling with these gorgeous light eyes and he keeps saying, "hi! hi!" and with every push he received from his mom and dad, he went higher and kept saying "hi!" he was so happy. he made me so happy.

and last week, friday was a day that warmed my heart. my kids warmed my heart. here's how:

two of my kindergartners were tattle-taling on each other - telling me each other's offenses. i really had it so i said, "girls, i don't like it when you tell on each other. it's not nice." but they persisted so i responded by saying, "ok give me your papers. we're not going to work today. you made me sad because you're being mean to each other." so the girls stopped and we did our own thing quietly. at the end of our time together, one of the little girls came up to me and said, "i'm sorry i've been upset with you." and hugged me.

i almost cried right then and there in the classroom.

round two of warming my heart happened when two of my kindergartner boys were talking about what they would do when they were grown-ups. here's how the dialogue went:

Famous: Blase is gonna race cars when he grows up.
Miss C: Oh really? What are you gona do?
Famous: I'm gonna play ball.
Miss C: Oh cool. You're gonna play ball?"
Famous: Yea. What are you gonna do when you grow up?
Miss C: I'm gonna teach, like your teacher.
Famous: That's all?

totally a moment from a Peanuts gang or Family Circus comic strip!

my final heart-warming moment happened off-campus at the post-office when i was waiting for erin to drop off her mail. a pre-school who lives across the street from the post-office came running towards the car. i reached my hand out so i could give her five or shake her hand. as she approached the car, she stopped by my window, kissed my pinky, and ran away.

in the words of little miss marie d., "that's sooooo preciooooous!!!!"

:)

these are the moments i'm really gonna miss when i leave montana. those kids break my heart with their smiles and enthusiasm. i don't love them enough. i need to love them more! and they have no idea how much they are shaping and forming my life as we speak.

God bless those little angels.

Hollywood Epiphany

Yesterday, I went to the library and saw this huge book on Humphrey Bogart. *sigh* This book has amazing photos - all black and white of a classic actor. As I was flipping through the pages, I came across this dialogue:

RICK: I'm saying it because it's true. It's inside of us, we both know you belong with Victor. You're part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

ILSA: But what about us?

RICK: We'll always have Paris. We didnt' have, we lost it until you came to Casablanca. We got it back last night.

ILSA: When I said I would never leave you.

RICK: And you never will. But I've got a job to do, too. Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be any part of. Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. Now, now... Here's looking at you kid.


Gotta love Casablanca. Upon reading this scene, there was something that struck a chord inside of me. Saying goodbye and leaving is probably one of my greatest fears, what I hate the most. Sometimes, you have to suck it up. And sometimes, you're stuck wallowing in your misery. I think most days, I'm in the latter.

But reading this scene from Casablanca somehow made me feel okay with it - with everything - rather than being so melancholy. Rick said it best when he said, "We'll always have Paris."

I'll always have...

bike rides in Berendo with Ate and playing with Snowball.
driving to preschool, elementary, and high school with Rach and co.
talent shows and mini-Carnivals and 8th grade plays at SBS.
the H.O.P.E. and liturgy clubs from NDA.
the high school dances and going through phases of raving, platform shoes, fun skirts.
the filming of our dramatic "The Last Piece" with my HS girls.
commuting between LA and Palmdale.
trips back home to the Philippines.
summers in Yuma and Everett with Mia and Joy.
the birth of Jeric.
Hanson concerts through middle school and high school.
the infectuous, giddy school-girl crushes.
hittin up Cherry Street with Fammafia.
crying and laughing and smiling and loving all because of Search.
partyin and chillin OA-ohana style.
the mischief and merriment of the RA world.
Vantage Park 312 (and the 5th Floor suite of homeboys).
fat nights and study nights with the girls.
dancing dancing dancing the night away with gross old-man Elvis wannabe in the background or getting make-up done by Ollie.
hearing "Hero" performed by my own Enrique Iglesias-es: Viet and Ashley.
crying with the girls over stupid boy drama.
going to the Mexican border and feeling so guilt-ridden.
bringing a picnic blanket to Championship Field and watching soccer games.
veggin and chillin, watching movies and sex and the city while sharing beverages with the girls+paul.
palanca. palanca. palanca. :)
planning meetings for our excursion to Ecuador.
week-end warm-ups and limo rides.
s'mores with tea lights and bbq sticks @ Madison Park.
summer days @ the Kirkland waterfront.
potlucks galore with fammafia.
walks to Pike Place and dates @ B&O.
flag football and rock climbing events.

...all of it.

We'll always have all of it. Here's looking at you kid.

how ironic.

WEDNESDAY: April 11, 2007

Your friends are even more important to you now and you want extra time to chat with them about a variety of interests. You might have a hard time keeping up with everything that you start in the weeks ahead. Between emails, phone calls and visits, there may not be much time left over for you. It's important to set boundaries and make room for quiet contemplation or you can get lost in your own noise.