can i have a legitimate update now? if i'm so inspired...
it's been 10 weeks since i started teaching and it continues to be a journey of discernment. ah teaching. now that my childhood dream is a reality, i've truly realized the phrase that life is continual process of growing and learning. it doesn't end after you graduate. it's a different kind of educational process but you continue to learn and learn each and every day. i'm learning that teaching - despite its ideal schedule, doesn't end at 3:00 p.m. you take work home in the evenings and on the weekends. you do work to become a better teacher - attend workshops, learn more about the profession, go to conferences, have in-services. i think i was so used to jumping into things and learning how to do them so quickly that i expected that to happen when i started. i mean, i knew it was going to be hard, but i thought i'd catch on pretty quickly. in some areas i have caught on, but in others, it's a daily struggle. so this period of my life continues to be one of questioning, one of uncertainty. that gives me anxiety and i have to remember to trust trust trust. and have patience, patience, patience.
i haven't been able to nail down a solid relationship with my students - i haven't been patient enough or consistent enough. i think i'm too busy trying to learn how to teach that i haven't put enough into being a "relational teacher." maybe that's why i'm falling short in terms of connecting with them. last year, i got that opportunity.
i'm also noticing a pattern that i made my students upset last year and i'm doing yet the same thing this year. in some ways, i can be pretty harsh and hard on them and maybe i'm not always conveying that to them in the most positive of ways. i don't think i'm saying that thought clearly... growing up, i had teachers that were hard on me - who had high expectations, and they made that clear. but i think they did it in a way that didn't belittle me or upset me. i think - because out of my frustrations - i have been upsetting some of my students and not so clear with my expectations. it's something i need to work on.
what else? i think i'd prefer to move down and teach in the primary grades. God bless those middle school teachers because i definitely could not do it. they can be such little punks! ms. rios encouraged me to pray for them individually - i think i really have to do that and be intentional about praying for their needs in order for me to have more patience with them, more understanding.
i think i'm kinda at my wits end because last year, i put myself in survival mode because i was so homesick. and now, even though i'm back home, i'm still in survival mode because i don't know what the hell i'm doing with my job and if it's where i wanna be.
to top it off, being in such a rough transition right now, it makes me miss my friends - wherever they are now - seattle, texas, norCal. plus not living close to two of my closest loved ones (ate and derrick) tends to take a toll on my weeks too. on the other hand, i get the comfort of my mom and dad and i am so grateful for that.
PATIENCE. TRUST. PRAY. i have to keep reminding myself of that.
i still wonder if i'm called to do work with campus ministry and take classes in psychology or spiritual counseling so i can be a retreat minister or youth minister. it didn't seem right when i applied in december. but now, being a teacher does and doesn't seem to fit either.
what do you want me to do Lord? how do you want me to serve you?
when i talked to ms. rios about my struggles, she had a good metaphor. she compared seattle to my Mount Tabor, the mountain where Jesus was transfigured.
Matthew 17: The Transfiguration
1 After six days Jesus took with him Peter, James and John the brother of James, and led them up a high mountain by themselves. 2 There he was transfigured before them. His face shone like the sun, and his clothes became as white as the light. 3 Just then there appeared before them Moses and Elijah, talking with Jesus. 4 Peter said to Jesus, "Lord, it is good for us to be here. If you wish, I will put up three shelters—one for you, one for Moses and one for Elijah." 5 While he was still speaking, a bright cloud enveloped them, and a voice from the cloud said, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased. Listen to him!" 6 When the disciples heard this, they fell facedown to the ground, terrified. 7 But Jesus came and touched them. "Get up," he said. "Don't be afraid." 8 When they looked up, they saw no one except Jesus. 9 As they were coming down the mountain, Jesus instructed them, "Don't tell anyone what you have seen, until the Son of Man has been raised from the dead."
i always say my best self - the place where i liked myself the most - was when i was in seattle. i felt spiritually grounded, i loved what i was doing, i felt empowered, i was surrounded by amazing individuals and loyal friendships, i was actually confident, i wanted to go out and change the world. but i had to leave that beautiful, sacred place. i was called to share those gifts i developed there elsewhere, but i'm struggling with how to do that. in a way, i was transformed in seattle. and in the Gospel reading, peter and the other two disciples who went with Jesus said they would build a tent for Jesus, Elijah, and Moses so they could stay on top of that mountain. but they couldn't stay. they had to come down from that mountain.
in the same way, i had to come down from that beautiful mountain and take what i have learned with me. i wanna go back - i wanna think it'll be the same if i were to move back to seattle, but i know it won't be and i have to continue growing and learning with the changes around me.
wow, that's an eye-ful to read. i think i've procrastinated enough from lesson planning and studying. let's cross our fingers and hope my internet doesn't die so i can have more updates and so i can keep up with the lives of my friends...
have a peaceful week filled with love.
oh and to end this more pensive blog, here is something more light-hearted and humorous to fill your souls:
This little piggy went to the market...
This little piggy went home...
These little piggies went "wee-wee-wee" all the way home!
wow. how we entertain ourselves...
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